


Hey There, Eiji

by codevassie



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji Go to Japan, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Song Lyrics, Trauma, ash is gonna learn how to forgive himself and eiji's gonna learn to ask for help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-05-13 03:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codevassie/pseuds/codevassie
Summary: Eiji has gone back to Japan. Ash plans to follow. It may be a while before that can happen though, and the two might be second-guessing themselves.





	Hey There, Eiji

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of Irene's [beautiful](https://twitter.com/eneriables/status/1147181693842968576) [artwork ](https://eneriables.tumblr.com/post/186073814184/more-for-banana-fish-reverse-big-bang-link-will) and the song ['Hey There, Delilah' by the Plain White T's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQlPzrX8u0A&list=PLsQ0Ho4hiaokf6RzlarLHdLOYnuJVKfaD&index=2&t=0s)!
> 
> A thousand thanks to my friend, [Sand](https://sweetcarnival011.tumblr.com/) for betaing this! You helped me so much, even when I literally asked you to beta those last two parts super short notice last night, and for a fandom you aren't even a part of (shall you join the hell pit now?). You're awesome.

**_Hey There, Eiji_ **

 

Ash was laying on his back, chest lifting and falling steadily with soft breaths. He gazed at the ceiling, its blank surface helping to envision Eiji on the other side of the call. It would be afternoon in Japan. It was the middle of the night in New York. He was never asleep at this time anyway, but, even if Ash _was_ tired, it would have been nothing to give up for Eiji. Their calls were everything to him these days, to them both.

 

“It’s a lot of work, but I promised my parents, so,” Eiji explained, and Ash could practically see him shrugging himself. He shifted a little on the bed, and his hair fell into his face.

 

“Sounds like a lot,” Ash replied softly. Maybe it was the time of night. Maybe it was because Eiji always managed to make him softer than Ash would normally, willingly show. When Eiji chuckled across the line, Ash’s heart soared.

 

“Probably not as much as faking your death,” Eiji replied. Ash rolled his eyes. “Or making sure no one finds out.”

 

“Nah, that’s easy,” he said. “Just hang around inside all day. Go out only when necessary. Pretty much what you did in this apartment all day long, I imagine. Can’t be too hard if you did it,” he teased.

 

Eiji ignored the jab. “I can’t imagine you staying in place like that for long.”

 

“I think you’re mistaking me for you, Eiji,” Ash teased again. In the ceiling, he saw Eiji rolling his eyes, a quirk at his lips that told Ash he wasn’t really taking it to heart. “You were always trying to get out of the apartment for one reason or another. Do you know how hard it was to keep you safe like that?”

 

“And, yet, I’m alive,” Eiji laughed, but Ash’s smile drooped. It was sudden, and almost out of place in the grace of their light, peaceful conversation, but Ash’s blood ran cold. Memories came back, racing at full speed, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

 

“You almost weren’t,” Ash pointed out, voice heavy. Eiji must have sensed the shift in mood, because he fell silent.

 

There was a pause before he spoke again. “But I am,” Eiji reminded him. “We both are. We made it.”

 

Ash breathed out harshly, trying to ease the knot that had tightened his chest. He pressed the hand that wasn’t holding the phone to his face. 

 

"I should go, Eiji," he breathed out and he could almost hear Eiji freezing on the other end of the line. He always recovered quickly though. Ash used to think Eiji was a terrible liar, but he really hadn't known at all.

 

"Of course," Eiji said, like it was absurd to think otherwise. "You need sleep."

 

"Yeah, and maybe I'll get some without a fussy Japanese man tugging me out of bed every morning," Ash let humor into his voice again, trying to regain normalcy.

 

Eiji scoffed and Ash's smirk twitched upward. "More like afternoon. You would sleep all day without me to wake you."

 

"And I am looking forward to it," Ash said, sighing dramatically at the thought. This made Eiji huff and Ash could see the little furrow to his brow in his head. He wished he could see Eiji.

 

"I suppose there is no one to make you breakfast either."

 

"That _is_ one downside to this whole thing, I will say," Ash said, like it was a great admittance. In his mind's eye, the corner of Eiji's lips were now curling upward. Soon, he would realize his mistake and frown even harder, but, for now, he was smiling.

 

There was a pause for a second, something familiar, something calm and peaceful between them. In the silence, they seemed closer. As it went on, Ash felt the distance attune and his loneliness grow, eventually, frowning at the dim ceiling.

 

“So, I guess I’ll call you later?” Eiji asked, voice quiet, soft. Ash missed it. He missed him.

 

“Maybe you can get me out of bed if the phone rings loud enough.” This got a small laugh from across the line.

 

“We both know it won’t,” Eiji said. Ash almost agreed, but, these days, he didn’t know anymore. He had always been pretty paranoid, but something about the apartment without Eiji, the possibility anyone could find out the truth and ruin his chances to see him again, made it worse. 

 

And there was also his loneliness, his desperation to hear Eiji’s voice, to see his smile again, that even the trill of an alarm would rouse him. The sound of Eiji’s ringtone was enough to wake him in a good mood.

 

Ash shifted against the bed with nothing to say, the covers making sound for him. He thought he heard birds from the speaker. He imagined Eiji outside among trees, on a peaceful pathway with other students milling about campus around him. Eiji was in Tokyo for school, but surely there were trees around. There were trees in even New York City.

 

“Talk to you soon, Ash,” Eiji said. He didn’t say goodbye. He never did.

 

Ash did. He never knew when it’d be his last chance.

 

“Bye, Eiji.”

 

-/-

 

**_I’m a thousand miles away_ **

_But, boy, tonight you look so pretty_

 

Eiji usually called around his lunch time. That made it around midnight Eastern Standard Time.

 

"Were you about to go to sleep?" Eiji would ask each and every time, sounding a bit guilty to be calling Ash so late. Ash never was going to sleep. He was never tired around this time, and always looking forward to the call.

 

"Nope," Ash replied, watching the skyline from their bedroom window. He still thought of the apartment as _theirs_ , despite the fact that Eiji would most likely never step foot in it again. 

 

"How are you then?" Eiji asked. Ash shrugged, like Eiji might see all the way across the globe. 

 

"Alright." Ash didn't mean for it to sound so vague, but it was habit by now. He shifted, keeping his eyes on glowing windows and starless skies. Golzine's office was still directly across. "How was class?" he asked, trying to direct the conversation elsewhere. 

 

"Hmm," Eiji hummed. "Okay. Just mathy things. I've never liked the subject."

 

Ash paused. He blinked out at the blotted skies and dark streets and bright windows. For a moment, his brain ground to a halt, then his mouth moved as if on its own accord.

 

"I can help with that."

 

Eiji didn't seem to notice Ash's tension, as he hummed in a distracted way. "That would definitely help," he responded. He trailed off and Ash wondered what had him so preoccupied. 

 

“What are you doing?” Ash asked, amused, but trying to keep his voice neutral.

 

“Walking,” Eiji answered simply, still sounding light and carefree. 

 

“Are you still on campus?” he asked.

 

“Yep. It’s a really nice day out.”

 

Eiji’s untroubled mood must have spread across the line because Ash found himself humming and looking absently around their room. Both of the beds were made, despite Ash’s reluctance to clean. He had all the boring time in the world, yet he still found cleaning appalling and tiresome. The dressers were dusty, and there were articles of clothing scattered about. The room only looked lightly used. He didn’t like to clean, no, but Ash also didn’t like leaving a trace.

 

In the corner, there was a worn acoustic guitar. He could barely see it in the shadows, but he could probably etch each detail of its surface out if he tried. Since Soo-Ling had brought it over, it had been gathering dust in the corner, untouched. Ash didn’t want to bother it, not after Sing had told him where it was from.

 

Ash had never known Shorter used to play the guitar. Soo-Ling said he hadn’t been very good at it, laughing a little at the memory, eyes sad.

 

_“He could do ‘Gives You Hell’ and ‘Wonderwall’. They both sucked.”_

 

They might have sucked, but there was no denying that Sing must have missed it. He’d brought it over, apparently, to help with Ash’s boredom.

 

Ash wasn’t sure that was the whole story. Teenagers rarely told the whole truth about things like this. He would know; Ash was barely an adult himself.

 

The guitar felt like more, like an olive branch of sorts. Their gangs had been at each other’s throats for a while and, while Ash didn’t think Sing had blamed him for a long time for Shorter’s death, it seemed the kid still wanted to make amends for it all.

 

Especially after his brother had gutted Ash in a coward’s fight. But Ash didn’t like to think of that either. He had killed Lao. He had killed both of the people Soo Ling had regarded as brothers the most.

 

Maybe it wasn’t a peace offering. Maybe, it wasn’t an apology.

 

Maybe it was acceptance. Soo Ling was grieving. In the midst of all the Banana Fish bullshit, it had been hard to take a moment to grieve, to say goodbyes. Ash couldn’t imagine why Sing would share that with him.

 

Ash often thought about his own goodbyes too. If there was one thing Ash had been thinking of since it was all over, since he’d had more than enough time locked up in that apartment to think about, it was all the death. Shorter was only one in a long line of death that had surrounded them in the past two years. Lao was only the last.

 

And that guitar was only a reminder of it. Of all Ash had taken from that kid. Of the best friend he had shot in cold blood.

 

Shorter had been a man of many talents and not-so-talents. Learning to play crappy songs on a crappy guitar was something that just reeked of Shorter, and the reminder day by day sitting in that corner was heavy on Ash’s mind.

 

He refused to touch it. To go anywhere near it. Yeah, it might have helped pass the time, strumming absently or trying to even learn it. Ash had learned piano at Golzine’s when he was younger, so he knew some about music. But, even though he had never seen Shorter with the thing, the memory of him surrounded it. Ash wasn’t afraid of ghosts, didn’t believe in them, but something about the guitar made him fear that if he were to pick it up, Shorter’s would be breathing down his neck.

 

Suddenly, Ash’s gaze wasn’t so absent. He stared heavily at the instrument, only coming back when Eiji breathed his name across the line.

 

“Ash, do you think you’ll like it here, in Japan?” he asked, and the question threw Ash so off guard that he had to process it three, no, four times in his head before he could answer.

 

“Of course,” he said. Eiji was there. What else could Ash want?

 

“Do you even know anything about Japan? Other than what I told you, that is?”

 

And Ash, for all his IQ, couldn’t seem to make sense of this either. He furrowed his brow, redirecting his gaze to the window again. “What else would I need to know?”

 

He hadn’t been trying to be funny. Eiji laughed, and, though still a bit confused, Ash felt his chest warm a little in pride. “There are a lot of things, Ash. It is very different from New York. Or Cape Cod or LA.”

 

“Yeah, no guns. You’ve already told me that.”

 

“And you’d have to learn Japanese,” Eiji pointed out and… yeah, Ash might have forgotten that part. 

 

“I know that,” he said anyway. It was common sense. He would have known that if he’d just thought for a minute. Ash never thought properly when Eiji was involved, and this entire ‘Japan’ thing was an entire ‘Eiji involved’ thing too.

 

And he _had_ known it. Eiji had tried to teach him Japanese once. Before...

 

"Would you want to get a job? Or go to school? And how much do you know of Japanese culture to know that you will like it here? The people are very different."

 

Ash's mouth went dry, mind whirring. "Well…"

 

"I am not looking for immediate answers, but these are things you should look into. I am very excited for you to be here. I just do not want… I do not want for it to be another cage for you."

 

"It won't be," Ash insisted. It couldn't be. This was supposed to be his new start. He was finally going to be free, and by Eiji's side. Ash had only really wanted two things in life, and there they were.

 

But Eiji was silent for a moment, tinging the air with doubt. "Okay," he replied softly. Ash was going to prove it to him. This was really what he wanted.

 

What worried him was if Eiji wanted it too. Did Eiji want Ash?

 

Would Eiji wanting Ash really be for the best?

 

Ash didn't know, and he didn't like thinking about it. He frowned and shook his head, looking to lighten up the conversation. Eiji was still silent, and far too morose for his liking. Ash grinned.

 

"Has anyone told you that you look beautiful today?" he asked, in a voice that was half teasing. Eiji scoffed. There was probably blushing.

 

"You cannot even see me," Eiji chided, but Ash shook his head.

 

"You always look beautiful."

 

"Cheesy," Eiji continued to scorn. "Horrible."

 

"Always," Ash said, grin growing. "And I will always insist on telling you."

 

"Hateful," Eiji said, and Ash could hear the smile tugging its way further up. Ash laughed, letting it drop when Eiji’s embarrassment must have been suitable enough for a dark flush. He wanted to hold that face in his hands and run his thumbs along those reddening cheeks. He wanted to look into those eyes, full of mirth and sass, and kiss him.

 

Ash settled on closing his eyes. There was a beat of silence before…

 

"I'm sorry, Ash," Eiji spoke up. He sounded regretful. Ash knew the call was coming to an end. "My next class…"

 

"Yeah," he said. "Bye, Eiji."

 

Eiji paused, taking in those words. He didn't like them, but he hadn't asked Ash to stop. It was almost like an agreement between them, their goodbyes and lack thereof.

 

"Talk to you later, Ash."

 

-/-

 

**_Yes, you do_ **

_Time Square can’t shine as bright as you_

_I swear it’s true_

 

The sun was a bit bright that day, but Ash was reluctant to get up and pull the curtains. To be honest, he had been awake for a while, unable to sleep for long when he hadn’t even done anything the previous day. The days passed at a boring pace and Ash wasn’t used to lounging about.

 

Soon enough he would have a proper sleep schedule, which would probably make Eiji laugh once he told him. Ash, groping around blindly on the dresser, trying to stay under the covers and away from the stupid afternoon sun, snagged his phone and slide his thumb to the homescreen. He had no texts or alerts. That could be good. No hiccups in the plan.

 

Ash was mostly just disappointed there were no texts from Eiji.

 

He sighed and threw the phone to the end of the bed, finally sitting up and facing the day. His hair stuck up everywhere and the room was a mess. He still hadn’t put in effort to clean, and his habit of not leaving a trace was disintegrating in the comfort and familiarity of their apartment.

 

Complaining mildly to himself, Ash crawled out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen, eyes scanning over the few items he had in the pantry before moving on to the refrigerator. It was in a similar state. He sighed.

 

Ash found shopping boring. Usually, Eiji was the one to get the groceries, but, even when Ash did go, Eiji had always been there to tag along. 

 

Well, not ‘always’. Of course, there _was_ a time before Eiji. That had been a time of take-out and fast food. 

 

He never thought he'd grow tired of a quick burger or pizza. Ash didn't eat for taste, he did it because he had to. Sometimes, it was the only reminder that he was still real, still mortal when everyone made him out to be some devil or demon, still human when all they saw was the Lynx. 

 

More and more, Ash came to miss the home cooked meals Eiji would make. Or Shorter's Chinese breakfasts, as much as he used to tease and complain about them. He missed Nadia's cooking too, though every once in a while she would bring some by. When Max came by it was always McDonald's. But food was food.

 

Still, there was more reason to avoid the market downstairs than Ash's usual boredom with it. Leaving the apartment was risky, and made Ash more anxious than he had been for a long time, before the times that he had started to numb himself against it all, before Eiji had come in and started to break down his walls with delicate hands and an open heart.

 

Sighing, Ash grabbed a slice of bread and started to chew on it. Toasting it took too much time and finding the jelly and butter sounded like way too much work. Grabbing another slice, he walked back to the room, glancing at the empty, perfectly made and perfectly stale bed beside his own. That's when he heard the buzz.

 

His eyes widened and he would deny the speed which he jumped towards his bed, throwing covers to and fro to find his phone. When his hand came in contact with it, he swiped the screen on and held it way too close to his eyes to actually see.

 

Realizing he had maybe freaked out a little when his eyes connected with bright light, finding reading the text at that distance impossible, he pulled it back, glancing around like he was afraid someone had seen him. No one was there, but that didn't help his embarrassment.

 

He was too giddy to see his texts to care for very long though. Like the teenager he had never been, Ash clicked into Eiji's text with a dizzy smile.

 

Eiji: Goodnight Ash!

 

Ash: turning in pretty late I see 

 

Eiji: Yeah. Had to finish a paper

 

Ash laid back amongst the tangle of blankets and pillows. The light in the room didn't feel so harsh anymore. He didn't feel so tired.

 

Ash: the university system is a scam

 

No one had asked, but that was Ash's specialty. 

 

Eiji: Believe me. I know.

 

Ash barked a laugh. His smile shrunk a bit when his phone vibrated again.

 

Eiji: I am very tired, so I will text you in the morning?

 

He tried not to be disappointed. Of course Eiji was tired. Ash had been lucky to talk to him at all since Eiji usually went to bed a lot earlier. He typed out his response quickly, so Eiji wouldn't pick up on his disappointment.

 

Ash: yeah. night

 

Eiji: And have a good day yourself!

 

And, with that, Ash clicked off his phone, dropping it against his chest. The sun shone too bright again. It was painfully daytime, also known as the dullest part of Ash's current life. "Okay…" he said to himself. Just to fill up the room. Once upon a time he had been used to silence. Once upon a time Ash had been used to a lot of things.

 

He sat up and shuffled into the bathroom.

 

He missed the days of not quite remembering how he had ended up in that tub, as annoying as it had been at the time; painstakingly dragged from bed, barely conscious. Ash missed Eiji.

 

-/-

 

**_Don’t you worry about the distance_ **

_I’m right there if you get lonely_

_Give this song another listen_

 

The days dragged on and it was starting to get difficult telling them apart. Ash still hadn't gone to the market and he wasn't planning on it. He was living off of bread, water, some old ice cream, um…. lettuce?

 

There wasn't a lot in the kitchen. Eiji would give him the Disappointed™ look if he knew. And Ash might even tell him. Eiji was always checking up on if he was properly taking care of himself and Ash had a habit lately of ratting himself out. Maybe it was the boredom. Maybe… it was Eiji.

 

But he still didn't want to hear Disappointed™ Eiji, so maybe today was the day to actually do it. It had been a while since he'd gotten to stretch his legs anyway.

 

Laying at the kitchen bar was still his new, ugly baseball cap, complete with store bought rough edges and a big ole’ fishing logo on the front. He’d thrown it there a week ago, the last time he had gone out. Next to it was a wide, dark pair of sunglasses. Ash only grabbed the cap, knowing the shades would only make him stick out more in the indoor market, and he made his way to the bedroom mirror.

 

Tucking in each strand of hair that stuck out, leaning close to his reflection, Ash was reminded of a day with a hairdryer and the saccharine innocent look he'd shot Eiji from under his bangs. He remembered Eiji's rolling eyes, and his laughter when Ash had told him what he was doing, believing it to be a joke. Remembered his confusion, saying he didn't quite get it. 

 

Ash's reflection was grinning, small and wistful, but still the picture of an utter fool. He wiped the look from his face.

 

Turning, he grabbed his reading glasses from the night stand. The disguise should be suitable.

 

However suitable the disguise may have been though, it didn't stop Ash's nerves from popping like fire, bouncing in his head, heating up his chest, sending electric little zaps to his fingertips. He refused the urge to glance behind him every two seconds, knowing how obvious it would look. Over the years, Ash had gotten good at lying without words, understanding body language. He had also learned to suppress his fears, fears that were anything but suppressed now.

 

He went about his business in the market at a leisurely pace, though his feet itched to do anything but. In his basket he put instant meals, frozen and canned and ramen packets. He grabbed some new ice cream too, so he could pitch the old freezer burned stuff. Then, possibly because he knew Eiji would ask, he headed to the produce section. A few fruits and veggies wouldn't hurt.

 

It wouldn’t hurt him… maybe his taste buds, but he would have to deal. But it would be worth it to hear the happy, proud lilt to Eiji's tone when he told him.

 

Wow, and, _what_ ? Was Ash _six_ now?

 

He wavered in the produce section, but, ultimately, decided to listen to the six-year-old in him that just wanted to make his boyfriend proud. He picked up an apple and debated.

 

Then, a familiar tune rang through the air. Ash jolted, hand smoothly digging in his pocket and procuring his phone. He checked the contact and, sure enough-

 

"Eiji?" Ash asked, a hint of worry in his tone. It must have been three in the morning over there. Why would an old man like Eiji be up?

 

"Hi, Ash," Eiji answered, and he sounded a little sleepy, a little wistful. Maybe he was up for another paper. 

 

"Why are you calling?" 

 

"Oh," Eiji said, and, suddenly, he sounded a bit more awake. "Sorry. Were you doing something? I can call later…"

 

"No," Ash said, probably too quickly, but it made Eiji pause. "I was just wondering. It's really late over there, isn't it?"

 

"Yeah, I guess…" Eiji said, and Ash couldn't tell if he sounded sheepish or if it was just his sleepy tone. "Can't sleep."

 

Ash smiled a little to himself, unable to fight how adorable Eiji sounded when he was so tired. He wished he was there right now, so he could tuck Eiji's head under his chin, and stroke his fingers through his hair, and hold onto him like he'd never let go.

 

"Want to help me pick out some produce?"

 

"You're at the market?" Eiji asked, and Ash hummed in response. Eiji was slow to answer; it wouldn't be long until he drifted off. He eventually replied, "Okay."

 

After that, it was somewhat of an uphill battle to get Eiji to respond as he slipped in and out of consciousness, but it had been expected. When Eiji couldn't sleep Ash often just talked and his voice seemed to lull him. There was something comforting about it, in a way, to know Ash was a comfort to Eiji.

 

So Ash rattled off stuff about the produce selection, listing the different things, considering some while scorning others. It was too early for pumpkins, but he avoided other squash, and made an ick face at the carrots. Eiji, in his half-present state, suggested celery, to which Ash pouted and stuck out his tongue at. Eiji's soft chuckle lit a warm fire in his heart.

 

By the time he had picked out a small selection of fruits and vegetables, knowing his limitations when it came to perishable and healthy goods, Eiji had been silent for practically five minutes and Ash was sure he had drifted to sleep. Still, he stayed on the phone, listening to the slow intake and exhale of breathing across the line.

 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Eiji spoke up again. "It's really lonely here," he said, unguarded and truthful. Ash had to take a pause. "Without you," Eiji continued. "You're so far away."

 

Ash wasn't sure how to respond to that. It turned out he didn't have to.

 

"Eiji?" he asked after a moment. All he got was breathing. Eiji was asleep.

 

-/-

 

**_Close your eyes_ **

_Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise_

_I’m by your side_

 

It was safe for Ash to have his hood up. It didn’t look suspicious in the downpour on the streets of Manhattan. His shades probably were a tad confusing to passerby, but the good thing about the city, especially a city in rain, was that people rarely looked up from their shoes. It was safer to confuse the few who looked at his face than risk recognition anyway.

 

He picked days like this to go out for precisely this reason. The forecast had predicted a day of rain, and it hadn’t gotten it wrong, nor had it been exaggerated. The sun, the entire sky, had been blotted out all the day by dark, grey clouds, and the rain had been relentless, like the earth was starving for water and the skies were sobbing in its attempt to soothe it. Ash’s light clothes and flimsy shoes were drenched, and he hadn’t brought an umbrella. Still, he was almost back to the apartment.

 

Not bringing an umbrella had been mainly so he could keep his hood up, but a part of Ash had wanted to expose himself to the elements. It felt raw; it felt real. Sometimes, locked away in that stupid tower of an apartment building, Ash was reminded of that sterilized, plain, white, frustrating, insanity-inducing mental ward. Trapped, shut away from the real world. In these particular days of isolation, he dreamed that there was no outside world at all, and he was utterly alone in the universe of a two bed apartment.

 

A part of him wanted to soak in the rain, stretch his arms out, face his head toward the sky, and let his exposed skin drink it in. He was a part of the quenched earth and the sky would wash away his wounds.

 

Ash was startled out of his reverie when the front pocket of his hoodie began to vibrate. Quickly, he looked about for shelter and ducked to the awning of a little cafe, pulling the device out and glancing at its surface. He answered it straight away.

 

“Eij-”

 

“Ash?” Eiji cut him off, voice a bit desperate. Ash’s nerves immediately stood on end.

 

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

 

“You’re okay,” he sighed, and sniffled. “Oh god, you are okay.”

 

“Eiji? What is wrong?” Ash demanded, still worried, ready to catch the next flight with a fake ID or not. If anything were to happen to Eiji-

 

“N-nothing,” Eiji spoke, but the struggle with his words was evident. He was crying. “Sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t have…” he trailed off into a string of Japanese, but his words didn’t reassure Ash.

 

He worked to calm himself down. Eiji wasn’t in immediate danger or he wouldn’t be trying to convince Ash he was fine. This was something else.

 

Ash wasn’t typically good at helping with ‘something else’.

 

Eiji was still rambling, still in a sleepy state of anxiety and panic. Ash tried a series of “shh”s until he calmed down a bit. And some “Eiji, it’s okay. I’m right here.”s. 

 

Eiji fell silent after a while and Ash frowned at the grey streets of New York, at the few people hurrying along, trying to cover their heads, managing open umbrellas in the harsher growing wind, hailing taxis. Ash took a deep breath.

 

“Sorry,” Eiji spoke up again before he could say anything. “It was just a nightmare.”

 

“Well,” Ash said, remembering all the nightmares he’d had. All the times he was afraid he would wake up Eiji, and, at the same time, hoped he did. Hoped that Eiji would tell him it was okay, that he’d be okay. That he wouldn’t force Ash to talk about it. Would just be there for him. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. It rang like something Eiji would have said. Ash hoped he'd said the right thing.

 

“No…” Eiji said quietly. The phone must have been tucked close to him for Ash to be able to hear. “I’m just… glad to hear your voice.”

 

“Okay,” he said, and, suddenly, was struck with an idea. “I can talk until you fall asleep again? Like the other day?”

 

Eiji was silent. Then, “No… thank you, but I don’t want to keep you.”

 

Ash did his best to laugh at that, trying to lighten the mood. This wasn’t his forte. Eiji was always so much better at this. “You remember me telling you I literally do nothing these days, right?”

 

"I remember, but…"

 

"Eiji?" 

 

"Yes?"

 

"Close your eyes."

 

There was a pause, one long moment where Ash was sure Eiji would persist in one of his infamous stubborn-offs. But then, a sigh and "My eyes are closed."

 

Ash smiled, something soft and personal. Something that belonged to one person, who was far across the world. "Listen to my voice."

 

"I am listening." Ash could hear the amusement in Eiji's tone. He wanted to see the happy light in those eyes, to tuck his hair behind his ears again.

 

"And when you hear my voice, imagine I'm there with you," Ash said, and he closed his own eyes, head leaning back against the wall of the cafe. "I'm right there, Eiji."

 

Then, Ash continued to talk in slow, soft tones, remarking on the weather and talking about happy memories, pleasant dreams. He thought about lying next to Eiji, falling asleep next to him, murmuring soothing words to him in person rather than a speaker and a world of distance away.

 

"It's just like you said," Ash said, and he couldn't be sure if Eiji even heard. He hadn't spoken in a while. His breathing was still regular though.

 

_I'm by your side._

 

_If your soul is always with me,_

 

_I'm always with you._

 

-/-

 

**_I know times are getting hard_ **

_But believe me, boy_

_Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar_

 

It's two months after Ash almost bled out in the New York public library. It's two weeks since he called Eiji and listened to him cry in relief, whispering "you're alive. you're alive." It's two days since he'd left the apartment.

 

He'd tried his hand at cooking a Japanese meal, hoping to do something that would make Eiji smile in surprise, giggle and tease him, and go soft with pride. This task could only take up so much time, as long as it did. He'd tried to go slow, make it concise and nice, but, alas.

 

Ash is sprawled on the couch in short time. He'd never had the luxury before, but boredom was a plague he could not be rid of.

 

Somehow, he ended up standing in front of the guitar. He frowned at it, already feeling Shorter at his back. It was a comforting presence, but a weight which poked and prodded at the guilt nestled permanently within him.

 

It was a weird feeling. Contradictory. Ash frowned.

 

He reached out, hovering an uncertain hand over the instrument's handle. Shorter was definitely holding his breath. It was times like this, everything serious and still, where Shorter would make a loud, obnoxious noise, hoping to scare the pants off of someone. 

 

Ash picked up the guitar without interruption, without a single noise to distract him. Shorter was a lot more silent when he was a ghost. Just a memory.

 

But, of course he was. He wasn't even there.

 

When Ash sat down at the edge of his bed, resting the guitar on one thigh, he felt any presence disappear from the room. He was completely alone.

 

He was afraid of Shorter's presence, but now he missed it. Ash strummed the guitar.

 

-/-

 

**_We’ll have it good_ **

_We’ll have the life we knew we would_

_My word is good_

 

It’s oddly lonely playing the guitar, but he played nevertheless. It filled up a lot of the empty space in the apartment, in Ash’s head. The noise made him just a bit less paranoid, and it emphasized the lack of ears around to hear it. Ash was fine with no one hearing his futile, beginner attempts at the instrument. It did, however, leave another empty spot. When the noise filled the quiet and the activity busied his mind, a small cavern in his heart seemed to widen. 

 

That small cavern missed people, which was an odd thing. Ash was, by no means, a people person, yet it called out for the fellowship of others. It was kind of pathetic, Ash thought, and very inconvenient. Mostly, it was annoying. Anytime Max or Sing or Nadia came over, Ash was practically falling over himself to make them stay. 

 

_“You want dinner? I made too much,”_ he would ask in a nonchalant tone, guise of perfect indifference.

 

It was begging by Ash’s standards. Nadia was sweet when she declined. She was usually very busy with the restaurant. Sing was awkward and flighty, or sometimes standoffish in that teenage way of his. Max would see straight through it and tease him. Ash hated that, but, most of all, he hated the look of pity that underlied it. Max knew Ash was lonely. He was the one that stayed around the most, and swung by often. He brought shitty McDonald’s with him, sometimes even kids meals with the apples and toys, if he was feeling cheeky.

 

Ash hated that he got a kick out of that. It was so very Max of him to do, and Ash was going to miss that most about New York.

 

He would _never_ tell Max that.

 

And he didn't tell anyone he was playing Shorter's guitar either. For some reason, it just felt private, and not because he was still total shit at it either. Not because he felt an attachment to the instrument, or because he felt a connection to Shorter while playing it. It didn't feel particularly special, playing that guitar, but the guitar itself felt special.

 

So when Max came over to go over documents and travel arrangements, the guitar stayed in the corner. When Nadia brought over food, Ash didn't even spare it a glance, though her own glances suggested she recognized it. And Sing, unashamed, but with that slight hint of uneasiness at asking direct questions, unrelated to the streets and fake deaths, would ask if he had tried it. Ash would lie. He said no.

 

Eiji didn't know Ash had a guitar, and Ash never brought it up. It was odd, though, the urge he had to pick it up when on the phone with Eiji. Talking, listening, humming, breathing in time during a long stretch of comfortable silence–Ash would look over to the corner, see the guitar propped there, feel an itch in his fingers. 

 

"Have you given it anymore though?" Eiji asked, snapping Ash back to the conversation. His eyes slipped away from the corner, settling on the lampshade between their beds. The glow reminded him of nights Eiji would wait up for him, with his matching pajamas and a book in his lap. It reminded him of when Eiji had first told him about Izumo, a welcome distraction from Blanca and Golzine and Yut-Lung. 

 

"What?" he asked and Eiji laughed nervously, his lips twitching up. This was their first video call, and, honestly, Ash felt a little awkward. It was a blessing to see Eiji’s face again though.

 

"Have you thought about… you know, living here? I know you say it is what you want, but I want you to be sure…"

 

Ash’s shoulders drew up and, without thinking, he let the first thought slip through his lips. “Why do you keep asking? Do you not want me there anymore or something?” He winced at the defensive tone. It held too much emotion. He’d let him show too much of himself.

 

He closed his eyes and waited for it. _Please, just get it over with. Tell me what I know is the truth. That I’m too much work. That I’m dangerous and damaged. That you don’t deserve to get shackled with it all._

 

But Eiji would never say any of that. He truly wanted Ash to come to Japan, and Ash believed that. He also believed it was one of those stupid, stubborn mistakes Eiji loved making when it regarded him. Eiji was the first person who had been there for him unconditionally. Who wanted to protect him.

 

“What? Ash, no, that is not it! You know I want you here. Right?” Eiji protested, and he looked hurt at the mere suggestion. Ash almost cursed. He’d hurt Eiji once again.

 

“Nevermind,” he grumbled, and rubbed his forehead. “Forget it.”

 

“Ash-”

 

But Ash didn’t want to talk about it. “When you were younger,” he redirected the conversation, cutting Eiji off, “Did you ever have a pet? Dog, cat, goldfish, weasel?”

 

“Weasel?” Eiji asked in that tone that suggested he didn’t understand, argument forgotten.

 

“Rodent thing,” Ash explained. “Don’t worry about it. Did you, though?”

 

“Did I have a pet?” Eiji asked, repeating the question as he pondered. “No, we did not. My family did not have the money for that kind of thing.”

 

“Really?” Ash asked, curious, and calming down. He propped his chin on the pillow he had bunched beneath him, watching Eiji talk in a room that was rather blank, rather lifeless. Eiji himself made up for that, though- always a spark of light.

 

“Mmhm,” Eiji hummed. “I’ve never really thought about it though. I was always too busy anyway. I wouldn’t have been able to give it the attention it deserved.”

 

“Would you want one?” Ash asked. “Like, in the future? Maybe in your own apartment, and you’ve got the space and time and money.”

 

“Mmm, maybe,” Eiji said, and his voice was light and contemplative. 

 

“I’ve always wanted a cat,” Ash said suddenly, and it felt like ripping off a band-aid. He was always more comfortable saying these things to Eiji. Often, they felt completely natural when he looked into those endless dark eyes, when he listened to that patient, soft, sometimes teasing voice. Some things, like this, like the voice in the back of his head which yearned for normalcy, which yearned for impossibility, were harder to get out.

 

“A cat?” Eiji asked in surprise, then huffed. “But I want a dog!”

 

“You just said you hadn’t thought about it!” Ash protested.

 

“Well, now I have, and I want a dog,” Eiji insisted and Ash rolled his eyes. Typical.

 

“Alright, then I guess we’ll have a cat _and_ a dog.”

 

“And a big yard for them,” Eiji pitched in. “And a comfy sofa where we can all curl up and I can watch TV and you can read your pretentious books.”

 

“At least I know how to read,” Ash shot back. “Will you be watching your favorite show on that TV?”

 

“Ash, don’t-”

 

“ _Sesame Street?_ ” he asked, in the most horribly innocent voice he could. Eiji practically growled.

 

“You are the bane of my existence, Ash Lynx.”

 

“Callenreese,” Ash corrected.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You can call me Ash, but… it’s Callenreese now.” he said, and his voice grew quieter. “The Lynx is dead.”

 

“Okay,” Eiji said, his voice gone quiet too, but fond. “The names on our mailbox will be a mouthful.”

 

“The Callenreese and Okumura residence?” Ash asked, and he could almost see it. It was dangerous thinking. He dreamed on anyway.

 

“The Okumura and Callenreese residence,” Eiji corrected, and it was Ash’s turn to growl.

 

If he wasn’t shying away from dangerous dreams, what was to stop him from wandering how their names would look even closer together? Take out the ‘and’ and add a hyphen… it was just like…

 

Too dangerous.

 

-/-

 

**_I've got so much left to say_ **

_If every simple song I wrote to you_

_Would take your breath away_

_I'd write it all_

_Even more in love with me you'd fall_

 

Ash was strumming the guitar, sitting on the couch, when it made a horrible screechy, twangy sound. It was out of tune. And Ash didn’t know how to tune it. Great.

 

He spent the morning looking up YouTube videos for how to tune a guitar and found that it was a lot harder than it looked. And it was difficult watching so many videos of guys in fedoras. 

 

Eventually, though, he got the hang of it. He didn’t have an IQ over 200 for nothing, and, honestly, it was kind of relieving putting it to use on something as ordinary as tuning a guitar.

 

Noon came and went and Ash wasn’t feeling particularly hungry. Either from boredom or knowing Eiji’s scorn, Ash made a sandwich anyway, then scrolled through the apps on his phone in search of god knew what. He clicked into the calendar, knowing there would be nothing there. He played three rounds of Solitaire, then clicked into the empty camera roll. It was a burner phone, his old one having been taken in for evidence to his “murder”. He wished he could get it back, if only for all the pictures Eiji had taken on it.

 

In the end, he realized Eiji was exactly what he had been looking for in the phone when he ended up on their text chat. He watched the cursor blink for a while. He wanted a bubble to pop up, for Eiji to miraculously be awake and wanting to talk. Ash shouldn’t want that. Eiji needed his sleep.

 

So he settled for scrolling through old messages. It was mostly brief things, since they did most of their talking over calls, but there were a few pictures. A picture of Eiji’s mom’s famous natto. A cherry blossom tree not yet in bloom, in all Eiji’s photography glory. A selfie of a sleepy Eiji flipping Ash off for some comment he’d made. Ash had taken a total of one picture to send back. It was the setting skyline of New York from their window. It couldn’t amount to what Eiji could do with a camera, but Eiji had still called it “beautiful”. He said he missed it.

 

A part of Ash couldn’t believe Eiji missed New York. Or this apartment. Or anything about the last two years at all. It had been nothing but danger. Guns, blood, death.

 

Eiji had seen some of the worst of it, and Ash had recounted other inexplicable horrors on top of that. 

 

Even safe in this apartment, Ash knew he couldn’t have been happy. Eiji didn’t like being locked away, or feeling useless. Ash was surprised Eiji hadn’t come to resent him after it all.

 

But he didn’t. He wanted him to come to Japan. Eiji wanted to protect him.

 

Ash wanted that life. A normal life, away from danger, with the man he wanted to protect too, to the ends of the Earth. Living with Eiji, somewhere safe, somewhere he didn’t have to worry every minute of the day, sounded like a dream. One of those dangerous dreams.

 

In this apartment, for a while, Ash had lived that dangerous dream. Outside, he still had to deal with the violence and the drugs and the fight for freedom day after day, but, in that apartment, he had really lived it.

 

Ash missed it, he realized. He missed Eiji. The world could be crumbling down outside, but none of that mattered when Eiji was by his side.

 

The world was still a fucked up place, but he _could_ still have Eiji by his side.

 

But he couldn’t forget Blanca’s words. Never. Eiji was not his salvation.

 

Ash was going to have to make the right decision here.

 

He was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts when his phone vibrated in his hand. His eyes snapped down to it and his heart leaped into his throat.

 

Think of the devil and he shall call.

 

Though it was interesting to think what sort of devil Eiji would even make.

 

“Hey,” Ash answered, already tense. Eiji didn’t typically call late like this. It was around two in the morning over there. He tried to keep his voice calm.

 

“Hi,” Eiji said, voice tiny. He didn’t sound distraught. He didn’t sound tired.

 

“What’s up?” Ash asked, quirking a brow as if that could be transmitted across the line too.

 

“Nothing,” Eiji said. His voice remained the same. It was obviously not the truth, but Ash wouldn’t have been able to tell by the tone.

 

“I’ve heard there _is_ a lot of nothing going on at two in the morning,” Ash quipped, proud to hear a small chuckle.

 

“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d call. You aren’t busy, are you?”

 

“I’m always busy,” Ash remarked, and, once upon a time, that might have been true. Now, it obviously was not, and Eiji hummed, unbelieving.

 

“I could call back another time then,” he suggested, and Ash’s heart caught a bit. He bit his lip.

 

“Fine. I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.”

 

“We are in the same boat then,” Eiji said. “My pillow is making odd shapes tonight. It hates me.”

 

Ash laughed. “Your pillow hates you?”

 

“Yes. It does not want me to be comfortable, and so I cannot sleep. I think it is revenge for not making the bed yesterday.”

 

“Why would your pillow care about that?” Ash asked, amused. Eiji was always amusing. Unless he was being infuriating. He sure always had Ash’s attention anyway.

 

“Because this is its home, Ash! How would you feel if someone came into your home, moved everything around, then did not put them back afterward?”

 

“What are you talking about? You did that all the time to the apartment,” Ash said, and Eiji blew a raspberry.

 

“That was cleaning. And it was my apartment too since you decided keeping me there was so important.”

 

“I think you’re changing the subject,” Ash said.

 

“And what subject would that be?”

 

“You can’t sleep.”

 

“So?” Eiji asked, sounding exasperated and defensive all at once.

 

“So, you need sleep,” Ash pointed out.

 

“Ah, you’ve cracked the case,” Eiji exclaimed, somehow, still with that tiny register. “Mystery solved. I will go immediately to sleep now.”

 

“No need for sarcasm,” Ash said, rolling his eyes. Honestly, Eiji could be such a drama queen. He sighed. "What's on your mind, Eiji?"

 

There was a pregnant pause. Ash could hear the sounds of shifting blankets as Eiji tried to get comfortable. "I'm sorry I never helped when you had nightmares."

 

Ash blinked, then furrowed his brow in confusion. "What?"

 

"I always heard you. You would whimper in your sleep or yell when you woke up. I told myself that you would be embarrassed if you knew I'd heard, but… it's the worst dealing with nightmares alone."

 

"You've been having more nightmares?" Ash asked, not ready to touch anything else he'd said with a three foot pole quite yet. Eiji didn't answer, so Ash asked, "Is that why you won't sleep?"

 

"I am not afraid of a couple bad dreams," Eiji scoffed, but it wasn't that believable. "My body just won't relax. Because my mind keeps thinking of it. And I know I cannot control dreams, but… it is hard."

 

Ash nodded–to himself more than anything. He understood that. "We can talk again," he suggested, but Eiji sighed. 

 

"I am too tired."

 

"Then I'll talk," Ash decided. He stood from the table and walked over to the living room again. The guitar was still propped on the side of the couch. Ash sat down, careful not to knock it. Talking to Eiji was easy. He searched his mind for something to say. "Max brought more McDonald's yesterday."

 

"Yuck," Eiji contributed quietly.

 

"If I have to eat another cheeseburger…" Ash warned, trailing off. "Nadia brings better food. With the restaurant and making sure Charlie doesn't catch on, she doesn't come over much though." 

 

For a while, Ash continued on like this. Talking about this or that. Unimportant things. Ordinary things. Ash was an everyday guy now.

 

"The book is so boring. The guy just keeps going on and on…"

 

Eiji piped in every now and again, so Ash knew he wasn't asleep quite yet. He sounded tired, though. Eiji was fighting it, whether he realized it or not.

 

"...practiced making Japanese food. Shut up. I'm a great cook!"

 

He would drop off eventually. And, if he had another nightmare, Ash would be there to soothe it away...

 

"Then Bones hit his head. Skip was _howling_ in laughter…"

 

...given that Eiji called him. But Eiji was persistent. He wouldn't call. He hadn't called since the first nightmare, and it was evident there had been more.

 

"Soo Ling is a weird kid. Quiet and loud at the same time. What- reminds you of me? You're just _trying_ to be rude now…"

 

And Eiji was stubborn. More stubborn than anyone Ash had met. As much as sleep washed over him, slurring his voice, leaving great pauses between their conversation, Eiji never let it take him under.

 

"Ash?" Eiji asked after a long pause.

 

Ash wouldn't tell him to go to sleep. That wouldn't help at all. But this, evidently, wasn't helping either.

 

Almost like a tug in his heart, his eyes gravitated toward the other side of the couch, down at the floor where the wooden guitar still propped itself casually. An idea started to form in his mind, and he didn't like the direction it was heading in.

 

"Did you know Shorter played guitar?"

 

Eiji hummed negative and Ash nodded as if in confirmation.

 

"Apparently, he did. Soo Ling brought it over a while ago. Said it might help with my boredom."

 

"Did it?"

 

Ash's lip curled at the corners and he looked down at his hands. This had been so embarrassing to even think of just minutes ago but, now, it felt easy. That often happened with Eiji. Once the gates were open, his world flooded out without regret.

 

"I didn't want to play it at first," he admitted. "Then, I did. And, yeah, it's been fun. It reminds me of him, but not in a bad way. I don't think about…" _The pain. The guilt. The loss._ "Soo Ling said he sucked at it, and that definitely sounds like him."

 

Eiji laughed. "Are you saying Shorter sucked at everything?" he asked with what sounded like disapproval.

 

"No." Ash shook his head with a bittersweet smile. "It's just- he didn't care if he sucked at it. He didn't care about showing up one day with a purple mohawk when other guys would call him a sissy for it. He didn't care about what anyone thought."

 

Ash took a deep breath. His lungs were catching awkwardly as he tried to wrestle with emotions. He swallowed.

 

"If it made him, and his friends, and his sister happy, then he'd be the worst, most annoying guitar player ever."

 

"Yeah," Eiji breathed, sounding melancholic himself. "You're right. That does sound like Shorter."

 

"And you didn't even know him bald," Ash joked, trying to alleviate his emotions. "He got called a skinhead all the time."

 

Eiji laughed. There was something cathartic in it. And exhausted. He really should get to sleep.

 

Ash leaned forward, reaching for the guitar without a second thought, and drew it into his lap. He plucked a few of the strings, unsure of if Eiji could actually hear.

 

Eiji said nothing. Ash continued, forming random chords into an awkward tune. He continued to play to an empty apartment and a boy across the world who might not even hear. 

 

Eventually, Eiji spoke up again. "Ash?"

 

"Hm?" Ash hummed, keeping his focus on his fingers and the taught strings.

 

"You suck at it too," Eiji said, and Ash abruptly stopped, gaping.

 

"Rude!"

 

"I'm sure you can get better," Eiji laughed. Ash pouted, but didn't argue anymore. He wondered if he could find a case for it so he could bring it on the airplane. He wanted to play it in person for Eiji. "It is very soothing though," Eiji continued, his voice getting slower and slower.

 

With a small smile, Ash pulled the instrument to him again, and continued his playing.

 

He wasn't even sure when Eiji fell asleep. Ash stayed on the phone and played on for hours. Eventually, the call ended when Eiji must have rolled over, but Ash didn't break stride.

 

-/-

 

**_We’d have it all_ **

 

Ever since Max had dropped off that thick envelope of documents, Ash hadn't been able to take his eyes off of it. He'd only opened it once, shuffled through the forged papers while Max went on about this or that. Since then, he'd been sitting at the table, staring hard at the blank manila surface. Max was talking about his kid now.

 

"You should come say bye before you leave," Max suggested. "Jess wants to see you, and Michael won't shut up about you."

 

"An ex-gang leader and wanted criminal probably isn't the best kinda role model you want for your kid, Lobo," Ash sighed, steepling his fingers over his mouth while he continued to glare at the folder.

 

"Oh, let me raise my kid, you kid," Max said. "Now, what's got _you_ all mopey?"

 

"Mopey?" Ash asked, finally looking up. "I'm not mopey. Think you're projecting, old man. I see you getting all sad about me leaving. Admit it; I'm not such an annoying brat after all."

 

"You're an annoying brat, alright," Max mumbled, but, speaking up, he said, "I think you're mistaking relief for sadness. Can't wait to never see that mug again."

 

"Yeah, yeah," Ash said, waving him off. He felt relieved Max wasn't getting all serious and emotional about it. It would have just made things weird.

 

"I'm gonna have to see Eiji though," Max remissed. "He's a good kid. Just 'cause you're there doesn't mean I shouldn't see Eiji."

 

Ash half peered, half glared at the man across from him. Max caught his eye and shrugged.

 

"So I guess I _will_ be seeing you," he said, trying his best to sound resigned. Ash could hear he was secretly pleased. "This won't be the last I see you, Mr. Callenreese."

 

Ash cocked an eyebrow, amused. "Mr. Callenreese?"

 

"That is your name," Max said. "Griff always said it was a mouthful, but he seemed to like it."

 

Ash stopped at his brother's name, taking a moment to process for a second and ignore the sudden pang that had rapped at his chest. He took in a slow breath and nodded. 

 

"I can't imagine why. He hated our dad's guts. That's why he left."

 

"He left because he was scared, Ash," Max said, and it was so straightforward, so rawly true, that Ash's head snapped up, eyes widening. "He was still practically a teenager and he had a kid to take care of. Imagine at your age getting dropped with a kid."

 

Ash thought of Skip. He didn't say anything. It wasn't exactly the same looking out for the street kids and raising your kid brother completely on your own. Griff had even been younger than Ash was now when Jim had left them all alone in that house.

 

"He regretted leaving you," Max continued. "I could tell something was eating at him the moment we met. He didn't tell me until much later; I think Griff was afraid I would judge him. We were best friends, but I don't think I understood what he'd been going through until these past years where I barely saw Michael. And I was an _adult_."

 

Ash kept his mouth shut. He didn't know what to say to all of this. Even if he did, he doubted he could make his lips move, for the words to form. He'd thought a lot about the past two years, yet he'd still pushed thoughts of Griffin away. He couldn't bring himself to address the fact that his brother’s death had ultimately been his fault. That his life had been fucked for reasons completely out of his control, starting with stupid illegal drug experiments in the military.

 

When he thought about Griffin, he remembered just how unfair the world truly was. How dumb it was that, after everything _Ash_ had been through, he was the one still alive and innocent people were gone.

 

"He told me one day that the only favor your father ever did for you guys was give his name. Griffin didn't resent 'Callenreese', he said, because he shared it with you."

 

“Why are you telling me all this?” Ash asked, voice coming out harsh.

 

Max shrugged, pushing his chair out and standing up. Ash watched as he went. “You deserve to know.” He nodded at the envelope. “And you deserve this chance. I can see something’s eating at you, just like it was at your brother. Don’t throw away a good life, kid.”

 

Ash frowned up at the man, but Max didn’t reciprocate for once, shedding the comfort of their usual sarcastic repertoire. Instead, he turned toward the door and started walking away.

 

“Come visit, or Jess will certainly make you regret it,” he said, now talking over his shoulder. He waved as he reached for the door. “Later, punk.”

 

And, without much else, Max was gone. Ash was left alone again in the apartment, at a table with that envelope. Across the room, Shorter’s guitar looked lonely. Ash didn’t want to pick it up.

 

When his phone rang, his insides turned, quite the opposite reaction to normal. He looked at the caller ID and his dread only worsened. Despite the brew now going on in his stomach, Ash picked up the phone anyway.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Ash!” Eiji greeted cheerfully. For a moment, Ash was surprised before he looked at the time. It had already become evening. Eiji must have been about to head to campus.

 

“Morning,” he greeted, voice neutral. Eiji paused for a moment, no doubt recognizing that something was up. Instead of asking about it, though, he had mercy on Ash. Just this once.

 

“And evening to you,” Eiji said.

 

“I got the papers,” Ash said, not quite sure why. He would have told Eiji eventually, but why now, he didn’t know. Something had made his lips move. Something like fear.

 

“Got the…” Eiji repeated, confused for a moment before he went, “Oh! Oh…”

 

Ash froze. What had that second ‘oh’ been about? Eiji was having doubts, wasn’t he? Ash had always known- always known he wasn’t good enough, that he was too much work, that he’d done too much wrong. Eiji had been having second thoughts for a while. It shouldn’t have been a surprise.

 

“Oh?” Ash asked, unsure of what else to say. His voice was nervous, even to his own ears. He hated how insecure he suddenly sounded.

 

Eiji seemed to catch on. He always caught on. “I didn’t mean it like that!” he said quickly. “Sorry, it just surprised me, is all! I didn’t think it would be so soon.”

 

“Yeah, well, between the best gang leaders in New York and two journalists with connections, it was pretty easy,” Ash said, shrugging. His heart felt like it was beating too fast and too slow all at once. He swallowed, wondering why his breath didn’t quite reach his lungs all the way.

 

“So,” Eiji said, voice a mixture of… something. “You’ll be coming soon.”

 

The moment seemed to stretch. He dared to say what was on his mind. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

 

“Ash-” Eiji tried, but, suddenly, the bubble around Ash popped. A mixture of anxiety and fear and a little bit of anger, all swirled together in a dizzying concoction fizzing up like a soda ready to explode.

 

“Just tell me not to come, Eiji. Just be honest, because I know you haven’t been lately. I know I’m messed up! I know I’m too much to deal with! I know I’m a murderer and a whore and-”

 

“Ash!” Eiji scolded, trying to break in, but Ash wasn’t finished.

 

“You could have a normal life. You _have_ a normal life! All I’ll do if I go over there is mess it up. I messed up the past two years of your life, Eiji! I can’t expect you to stay by me forever. I won’t hold you to that ‘forever’. It’s unfair to you. All I’m doing is turning into Golzine by keeping you with me. I won’t keep you in a cage. I won’t keep you from the life you should have-”

 

“Ash, stop-” Eiji pleaded, and he sounded so upset, but that only made Ash more guilty, and more resentful of himself, and he kept going.

“My life has been laid out already. It's always been shit. It’s a miracle I’m even alive now. But that doesn’t mean I have to make your life shit too. You deserve better than that. And I- I deserve this,” Ash said. His voice was shaking, but he refused to cry. Instead, he let his anger fester, let it twist inward and rip himself apart. Ash clenched his fists, hating- hating- hating-

 

Then-

 

“Shut up!” Eiji suddenly screamed, and Ash drew back in shock. His mind wiped clean and he could hear Eiji again, hear things outside his own head, outside his own self loathing, and he heard _Eiji_. “Shut up right now, Ash Lynx- C-Callenreese- Urgh!”

 

There was a moment where Eiji fumed, where Ash’s mind reeled, where the space was filled with too much silent noise, where Ash felt like a jumbled mess and his voice died in his throat.

 

“There is no ‘deserve’. You are not controlled by fate, Ash! The life you have had so far- It does not define you! Y-you can have so much more!” Eiji’s voice rang through the line again, tense like a taut wire. It shook in his upset. “But coming to Japan- It may not be the solution you are looking for!”

 

Eiji breathed for a second, shaky, and Ash felt like the world had shaken off its axis. His vision was fixed to the wall across the room, but he couldn’t see anything. The only thing that existed was Eiji’s voice across the line.

 

“I- I _lied_ to you, Ash,” Eiji admitted, voice quieter, but still tense. “Japan is not perfect. There is no where that is perfect. Maybe you could escape the guns here, but there is so much more too that would make life here difficult. It- it can be suffocating.”

 

“I was selfish when I asked you to come here with me. When I was with you I was- I was _happy_ . I hadn’t felt happy in so long. I hadn’t felt a lot in so long. When I came to America, Ibe-san had invited me because… because I wasn’t okay here. Then, I was okay with _you_ , and I thought I could keep that. I was so afraid of coming back to Japan, of leaving you. I didn’t want to feel like the way I had ever again. I told myself, ‘going to America helped me, maybe going to Japan can help Ash’.”

 

“I was lying to myself," Eiji sighed, and his anger seemed to be replaced with a tired sadness. Ash's voice still would not sound and he hated himself for that, but, even if he could get it to function, he didn't know what he would say. "Who says that would work? You have so much more to heal from, and we are so different…"

 

"I want you to come to Japan more than anything, Ash, but it is _me_ who does not deserve it. I do not want to be selfish anymore. I want you to do what is best for you."

 

"Eiji…" Ash said, surprising himself. His mind was reeling. It was Eiji's turn to cut him off though.

 

"I'm sorry, Ash," he said, voice shaking. He sounded less resigned now, more scared. Ash's heart stopped. "I shouldn't have- I'm sorry. I- I need to go now."

 

"Wait, Eiji," Ash protested, but Eiji's voice grew louder, straining with anxiety.

 

"I'm sorry. No, I have to go now."

 

"But-"

 

"I'll call you later," Eiji said, then the line went dead.

 

Ash looked down at his phone, mind still whirring, brain trying to catch up to everything he had just learned. Things seemed to be piecing together, but in a way he had never expected. He couldn't understand, yet he felt like he now understood more than he'd ever in his life.

 

He let out a shaky breath.

 

"Fuck."

 

-/-

 

**_A thousand miles seems pretty far_ **

_But they've got planes and trains and cars_

_I'd walk to you if I had no other way_

 

Ash strummed Shorter's guitar to distract himself, but it wasn't working very well. Eiji's words still echoed in his head. 

 

Eiji wanted him to come to Japan. He wasn't afraid that Ash would be too much work. He wanted Ash by his side because… he was happy with Ash.

 

He couldn't quite believe it. Somewhere in his head Ash had always known Eiji loved him, but he could always deny it if he wished. He could say it was obligation, or kindness, or pity. 

 

Eiji had thought _he_ was the one being selfish. Ash had thought he himself was. 

 

What Ash really could not get out of his head, though, was…

 

_I hadn't felt happy in so long. I hadn't felt a lot in so long._

 

He wouldn't lie; that had shaken Ash to hear. And it had shaken him worse to realize he'd never known it before. In their two years of knowing one another, Ash really knew nothing about Eiji at all.

 

There had been times where Ash had been curious. He'd ask about Japan hoping to hear about Eiji's happy little normal life. It would soothe Ash's fears, to know that at least someone as good as Eiji had something as good as that.

 

Then, there were other times where the knowledge was torture to Ash. He was the reason Eiji wasn't there, living that life, being happy, being safe, being normal. Ash didn't want to remember that world existed outside their bubble. Ash didn't want to know anything about it at all.

 

And he told himself, he knew everything important about Eiji already. He knew he was strong, and kind, and stubborn. He knew little things, like Eiji's favorite color was blue and his favorite food was natto. He knew bigger things, like how much Ibe's opinion meant to him, how he cared for his friends like family, how he could go from mother hen to brave idiot at the drop of a hat.

 

He had learned Eiji's habits and ticks and how to pull his strings and how Eiji pulled his strings right back. Ash had learned Eiji as a being, as a person in the moment instead of a culmination of everything he had come to be.

 

Eiji would tell him that is all a person needs to be–who they are right here, right now. He had told Ash over and over again that they were not ruled by their past.

 

But Ash, more than anyone, knew they were at least shaped by it.

 

Ash had thought he knew Eiji's history. A normal boy from a normal life. He had thought naivety had shaped that unconditional kindness, that stupid stubbornness, that quick wit.

 

He had known Eiji could fly, even known he had fallen.

 

His history was a lot more than a normal life and a sports injury, though. And that had taken Ash far too long to realize.

 

His phone rang and Ash jumped up, grabbing, hoping against hope-

 

"Hello?"

 

"Ash? Hey, it's Max."

 

Ash's heart sank.

 

_I'll call you later._

 

Eiji still hadn't called. He'd texted a few times, things like "tired. talk tomorrow." and "very busy today! I will call later." He ignored Ash's apologies, trying to pretend nothing was wrong, that nothing had happened, and didn't pick up the phone.

 

Ash didn't hold back his groan, frustrated and scared. 

 

"Hey, what's with that? Hate hearing my voice that much?"

 

Ash wasn't in the mood today. "Eiji hasn't called me in two days."

 

"Oh, two days?" Max asked, sounding amused. "Someone sounds clingy." Ash was silent. Max eventually took the hint, asking more reproachfully, "What's up?"

 

But Ash was never one for opening up. "Nothing," he huffed. "What did you want?"

 

"Just making sure you aren't gonna try to duck out of tonight."

 

"Oh," Ash said. To be honest, he had almost forgotten that he'd made plans to have dinner with Max, Jessica, and Michael. Jessica had come personally yesterday to ensure it and Ash, distracted by his fight with Eiji, had probably been much too susceptible to the demand. "Yeah, I'll be there, I guess."

 

"You _guess_ ," Max said. "Better not let Jess hear how excited you are for it."

 

"I said I would come," Ash grumbled. _Did he have to sound happy about it?_

 

"Dinner'll be served around seven. Try to be a bit early."

 

Ash could have easily said no. It was the kind of thing he would have ducked out with Golzine all the time. Dinner plans and socializing–it had never been a voluntary thing for Ash. The last thing he wanted to do right then was sit around a table worried about manners and polite conversation.

 

The thing was, though, he wasn't too keen on being alone with his thoughts. Eiji had taught him that alone wasn't always preferable. Which sucked. Because now Ash was really going to go through with this.

 

Dinner with Max and his family was a lot different than he'd imagined though.

 

Before Ash could think of how he'd even gotten there, he was sat down at a small kitchen table, Jessica, lips pursed as she served from a salad bowl on his left and Michael, gazing up with misguided starry eyes on his right. 

 

Ash had never been in this apartment before, but his first thoughts about it were _homey_ and _nice_. It reminded him of Jessica's house back in California, but somehow more full, more warm. She seemed lighter, despite her pursed lips and severe attitude. Not letting Ash get away with his shit seemed to be a trait Max and Jessica shared between them. When he'd arrived moody and sarcastic, Jessica had been quick to put him to work hauling things to the table. 

 

It was nothing like dinners with Golzine, where expectation was high, and care, low. Ash wasn't treated like a doll set out for a tea party, like a rare artifact out on display. He wasn't even treated like a guest.

 

It was like he really belonged. Like they were a fa-

 

Ash forced his brain to ground to a halt. He was letting himself go too far with that train of thought. What did _he_ know about family?

 

Sitting at the table with the three of them, Ash felt out of place. It was a much more comfortable setting that Ash knew, but he still wasn't used to it. There was no atmosphere forced, other than the civility of passing dishes. Max teased Ash and Michael alike. Jess scolded Max for not eating his greens, then turned right around and did the same to Ash. Ironically, Michael seemed to be the only one at the table who ate his broccoli other than Jessica.

 

And Michael, he told stories about his day excitedly, telling his parents about kids at his new school or Ash about the Lego castle he and his dad had made a few days ago. He was full of stories, and unbottled enthusiasm. He was the kind of optimistic child a kid was supposed to be at that age.

 

That fact relieved Ash. After what had happened in California, with Chinatown, with Jessica, Ash had been afraid how the kid would be, following it all. Maybe he wasn't entirely unaffected; after all, his mother had said it'd taken her six months to get back on her feet. But if he was still able to smile innocently, talk so animatedly–well, Ash would never say it aloud, but Jessica and Max must have been doing a good job.

 

Ash guessed parents weren't all shitty. 

 

"So," Jessica spoke up when Michael had finished his latest story, getting distracted chowing into his food. At Jessica's voice, though, all three heads turned. Jessica was looking right at him, folding her arms to stare him down. "You and Eiji are fighting?"

 

Ash froze, then shot a glowering look to Max. Max looked caught for a moment, then resigned. Shrugging, he said, "What? I can't keep anything from her."

 

"It's none of your business," Ash folded his arms too, mirroring Jessica's look for defense. He sat back in his seat and caught Michael's big eyes looking at him. Damn it, did the kid really have to be here for this?

 

"Eiji is a nice boy, Ash," she said. "But I know he's just as stubborn as you are. Whatever is going on between you is probably dumb and you both need to apologize."

 

"Wha-" Ash asked, sitting up. This was surprising coming from Jessica, who treated Ash like someone to keep at arm's length and Eiji like a literal angel. Which, he was, but that wasn't the point. The only time she had ever treated Ash with anything but contempt was in the aftermath of Foxx. Ash preferred the contempt to the overwhelming pity from then.

 

Before Ash could figure out what to say to that, though, Jessica stood, scooping up her empty plate and gesturing to Michael. "Michael, help mommy take the dishes, won't you?"

 

"Okay!" Michael jumped up and followed her. Ash's eyes followed them out of the room, still suffering from the sudden whiplash of Jessica's words and departure. When he turned back, he looked at Max.

 

"She's going to get him to bed. Got to be sly, though. He won't want to go with guests over."

 

Ash didn't answer. He continued frowning and slumping back in his chair, arms folded in the perfect picture of a moody teenager. He was almost twenty, almost no longer a teenager. Maybe he should have acted like it.

 

"You know, she's got a point," Max spoke, and Ash continued to bore his eyes into the table. Acting adult was stupid anyway. "Whatever it is, even if it _is_ serious, you two are too close to let it tear you apart. So, what's eating at you?"

 

Ash's eyes shot up, remembering their last conversation. He didn't think Max did it on purpose; in fact, it didn't look like he was phased at all. Still…

 

_I could tell something was eating at him the moment we met._

 

_I can see something’s eating at you, just like it was at your brother._

 

Something had been eating at Ash. Guilt, and fear, and dread. Up until his last call with Eiji, it had all been him. Ash's fault, Ash's worry, Ash's terror of not being enough, of dragging Eiji down, of hurting him when he should be protecting him.

 

Something had been eating at Eiji too, and Ash hadn't even noticed until it was shoved in his face.

 

"Did Ibe ever tell you why he brought Eiji along with him to America?" Ash asked. For a moment, Max sat back, looking at him.

 

"Why do you ask?"

 

"Just-" Ash started, already getting frustrated. He hadn't asked for an interrogation. But he stopped himself, running a hand through his hair and letting out a tense breath. "Trust me, okay? I want to know."

 

"It doesn't sound like a story I should tell," Max said, looking older, tired. It was strange seeing him so solemn. 

 

Ash breathed in. "Please," he said, staring down at the table. Of all the things he thought he'd ever do in his life, pleading with Max Lobo was not one of them. "I need to know- to understand."

 

Max sighed, ran a hand over his face. "I only know what Ibe told me. Eiji would know better than anyone."

 

Ash stayed silent. He knew this already. He knew that one day he would have to talk about this with Eiji again. For now, though, he had to at least understand enough that he could wrap his brain around it, because what Eiji had said over that call had almost not made sense. It had broken this entire vision Ash had, of the normalcy and happiness that was Eiji's life before America–an entirely wrong vision that, now, it was up to him to repair. 

 

Max sighed again. "You know Eiji used to pole-vault?"

 

Ash looked up, forgetting to hide his wide eyes, the hope in his face. He swallowed before nodding slowly. "Yes."

 

"And you know he injured himself?"

 

Again, Ash nodded. Max nodded back.

 

"According to Ibe, Eiji went into a slump after that. It must have been hard with how much of his life was riding on it, I'd imagine. He had a scholarship and everything. But he forgot how to jump, and I guess that was it for him."

 

Ash frowned. "Forgot how to jump?" he asked, remembering the first day he had met Eiji, seeing him fly from a rusty pipe. That didn't seem right.

 

"That's what Ibe said." Max shrugged. "His ankle had healed, but, when he went to jump after, he just couldn't do it."

 

"His ankle _healed_?" Ash asked in wonder. All this time, since Eiji had told him and Shorter he couldn't jump competitively anymore, he'd thought it was because of his ankle and that day with the pipe had been an exception under the circumstances. 

 

"Yup. A clean fix. He should have been able to go back almost exactly as he'd been before."

 

"But he didn't…" Ash mumbled, and all his brain could come up with was _why why why_?

 

Because it didn't make any sense. How could he have just _forgotten_ how to jump? Had it been from some head injury during the fall? He obviously still loved the sport- Ash could tell by the way he had spoken of it, from the way his slump had obviously hurt him. But _why_?

 

This whole conversation had brought up more questions than it had provided answers. Ash's mind was reeling and he didn't know where to turn.

 

"You're confused," Max said. "I told you Eiji would be able to explain better."

 

"But Eiji won't talk to me," Ash mumbled, voice barely coming out as he continued to stare down at the table. "He won't pick up the phone."

 

"Well, I've only met one person who could out-stubborn Eiji Okumura," Max said. 

 

Ash looked up. Max gave him an amused smile. 

 

"I bet you'll find a way."

 

-/-

 

**_Our friends would all make fun of us_ **

_And we'd just laugh along because we'd know_

_That none of them have felt this way_

 

If Eiji wouldn’t pick up the phone, Ash would just have to talk to him himself. In person. What better way to show that he was sure now? Sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life in Japan, no matter the hardship. Sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life by Eiji’s side.

 

Maybe it was a bit rash. Maybe it was the exact opposite to what Eiji wanted. No doubt Eiji would be angry with him once he saw Ash in person, having the gall to fly around the world just to talk to him. It was possible Eiji might even send him back to New York; say he didn’t want him in Japan anymore.

 

But Ash knew now it wasn’t because of him Eiji didn’t want him there. It was because of whatever was going on in Eiji’s head, whatever there that Ash still didn’t understand. And maybe it might take their whole lives for Eiji to tell him everything- Ash sure hadn’t told Eiji half of what had happened to _him_. But they would be together through it, they would stick together.

 

And Ash was the one who had to make it happen. Eiji had stubbornly stayed by his side for so long; now, it was Ash’s turn to hang on tight and never let go.

 

The first chance he got, Ash booked his flight, packed his bags, said his goodbyes. Only a few days after his talk with Max, still no calls from Eiji, Ash was standing at the airport, cap pulled low, sunglasses wide on his face. Inside the airport, it might have looked suspicious, but he wouldn’t take them off until the terminal to be safe. There, he could switch them out for his readers.

 

He didn’t make it very far before a voice stopped him, calling his… name?

 

“Asshhh-lan!” a voice called, correcting itself as it went. “Aslan, wait up!”

 

Ash stopped, turning around, his brow furrowing in confusion. He had said goodbye to everyone already, told them not to come to the airport or things might get suspicious. Apparently, his warning had not been enough.

 

“Soo-Ling,” Ash said as the boy ran his way. His eyes were immediately drawn to what Sing held in one hand, hauling the huge case as best he could. It didn’t look heavy, and if Ash’s suspicion about what laid inside was correct, it wasn’t, but Sing was short and the case was long, making it an awkward haul. “Is that-” he started, but that was when Sing came to a heaving halt before him, one hand on his knee and another placing the case on the floor to catch his breath.

 

“Damn it, Lyn- urgh. Whatever,” Sing, growled, stopping short of Ash’s alias and old name. Ash cocked an amused brow, looking down at the kid. “I can run freaking fast, but, let me say, you walk _too damn fast_.”

 

“What are you doing here?” Ash asked, a bit concerned, a bit amused.

 

“You forgot this,” Sing gestured to the case at his feet, straightening up. “Grabbed you a case for it and stopped by this morning, but you were already gone! What the heck? You were just going to leave it behind?”

 

Ash looked down at the case, regret bubbling in his stomach. He _was_ going to leave it behind. Ash had grown very attached to Shorter’s guitar, but he hadn’t had a case for it, and he’d had to get to Eiji as quickly as he could… besides, “It’s yours, isn’t it?” Ash asked.

 

“No!” Sing protested, looking testy. It was a look he must have learned from that Yut-Lung he’d been hanging out with. “I gave it to you!”

 

“But it was Shorter’s,” Ash said, frowning. “Why give it to me?”

 

Sing’s cheeks heated a little, but he crossed his arms, eyes darting around in obvious embarrassment. “He was your friend too. Why shouldn’t you have it?”

 

_Because I was the one who killed him._ Ash’s brain supplied. _Because it’s my fault and you should still be angry about that. Does this mean you’ve forgiven me? Why would you forgive me?_

 

Ash shrugged. Sing didn’t look convinced. “Listen, take the damn guitar. I’ve got plenty of reminders of him here already.”

 

Ash looked down at the case again. Sing was right. In Japan, there would be no reminders of Shorter, of Griffin, of New York other than the memories in his head. Maybe that was a part of the appeal of Japan. Maybe, Ash needed a reminder that wasn’t in his head. His head did tend to venture to the negative.

 

And Sing had been close to Shorter, closer than Ash, even if Shorter had been Ash’s best friend. The two had been like brothers. Sing was bound to have things of Shorter’s Ash wouldn’t even begin to know, just like this guitar. And he had all these places in New York to remind him of Shorter too.

 

“I guess,” Ash said, not taking his eyes from the case, “One more check bag wouldn’t hurt.”

 

In a swoop, Sing grabbed the case and shoved it into his chest. Ash grabbed it reflexively, narrowing his eyes at Sing where he held it. Sing held his gaze. There was obviously something he wanted to say.

 

“You’re making the right choice, Ash,” he said, and that took Ash aback. “You two need each other.” Ash realized this wasn’t about the guitar anymore; wasn’t even about Shorter. Ash nodded once.

 

“I know that now.” And, suddenly, he was reminded of that day in front of the library again, where a letter was being shoved into his hands and Sing was shouting at him about saying goodbye at the airport. Now, though, the kid was a whole lot less angry with him. Ash just hoped he didn’t get stabbed again once he left.

 

“Good,” Sing said, nodding in a mirror to his own. “Take care of him.”

 

Sing had always had a soft spot for Eiji. It might have been a crush at one point. Ash didn’t think it was like that anymore, but, still, the kid respected him. “I will.”

 

And, with that, Sing turned around and left, going at a much more normal pace now, and Ash watched him go before turning around himself and marching toward the check bag area.

 

Before handing the guitar case over, Ash ran a thumb over the handle’s worn material- new, but second-hand. Where it once felt heavy in his hands, the weight of the guitar was light now, and Shorter’s presence wasn’t absent, nor did it haunt him. He felt at peace, and he felt ready to leave New York behind.

 

More importantly, he felt ready to go to Japan. Ash was ready to see Eiji. Maybe he wasn’t through thinking he didn’t deserve a happy ending - maybe that was something that would take a lot more time - but he was ready to understand things that were outside what he knew now. Ash had to be open to the possibility that _maybe_ he deserved this.

 

So he stepped forward into that _maybe_ and boarded the plane, three hours to connect, and another ten across the Pacific. At least he had a window seat. 

 

He watched take-off, out at the wing and the shrinking ground below, felt that drop in his stomach and a lift in his chest. He watched as the New York dawn, always the city’s prettiest hue, fell away and they were engulfed by pink, cherubic clouds. The wing adjusted, the feelings in his stomach and chest leveled, and Ash was met with a quiet plane, passengers opting to catch up on sleep on the early morning flight, and lights dim above their heads.

 

Ash was reluctant to sleep. He never liked sleeping near strangers, and his body had grown accustomed to keeping him awake around them. He didn’t feel tired, so he continued to look out the window as they followed the rising sun.

 

He still didn’t know what he was going to say to Eiji once he got there. Ash hadn’t even texted him to tell Eiji he was coming, and Ash hoped he wasn’t unwelcome when he got there.

 

They were still fighting, if that’s what it could be called anyway. Eiji wouldn’t talk to Ash, even though Ash now knew Eiji wasn’t mad at him at all. Eiji was mad at himself, something that he still didn’t entirely understand. But Ash was going there to understand. He was going there to make things right. This wasn’t how he was going to lose Eiji; he _wouldn’t_ lose Eiji. Eiji wanted him, and Ash wanted him back. Jessica and Max were right; whatever this was, it shouldn’t stand between them.

 

Ash didn’t want it to stand between their teasing and laughing and conversations, and scolding and annoying ticks and impassioned worries, and everything, the good and the bad. It wouldn’t stand in the way of Eiji dragging Ash out of bed, of Ash catching Eiji fallen asleep on the couch trying to wait up for him. It wouldn’t stand in the way of seeing Eiji smile everyday, of getting to see his little frown of concentration, of hearing his accent or getting to explain funky American slang to him.

 

He loved Eiji, and he’d never said it aloud before. Ash kind of wanted to now. He didn’t though, too hyper aware of the other passengers on the plane. But, he loved him and it had taken so long to see it - how Ash wanted to protect him more than anything, wanted to see him happy, help him when he was sad, just be near him, no matter what. Ash had denied it for too long.

 

Like on their road trip from Cape Cod to LA, when, in the back of the truck, Shorter wouldn’t stop sending these _Looks_ over when Ash was listening to Eiji talk. Like, in their apartment, when his gang would give him thumbs up when he and Eiji sat close on the couch. Like when Max would call them “lovebirds”, and they would laugh like it was truly a joke, like neither had ever thought of it that way. Because what they had was special; couldn’t be defined so easily. Ash loved Eiji; was _in love_ with Eiji. He wasn’t even sure when he had come to realize it, but he wished he had sooner.

 

And, somewhere in him, he knew that Eiji loved him too.

 

The first time Ash would say it, it would be to Eiji’s face.

 

-/-

 

**_By the time that we get through_ **

_The world will never ever be the same_

_And you're to blame_

 

Ash stepped into Narita with a pit in his stomach. His insides were vibrating, but it felt like nothing but an illusion when the rest of his body laid completely unaffected. Probably because the thought of one’s insides vibrating _was_ an illusion. Did that make Ash any more sane? 

 

His mind felt wrung and stretched, watching crowds pass by, and his shoulders tensed. The airport looked like others he’d been in, yet it felt foreign, and Ash's senses heightened.

 

Taking a deep breath, Ash continued on, keeping his head down and clutching onto the duffle bag over his shoulder with one hand and the handle of the guitar case with the other. He swerved through the crowds, careful to avoid touching anyone. It was impossible not to get close, but he kept his eyes peeled for threats or familiar faces. When he finally emerged out of the doors, facing large buses and a vast parking lot, Ash allowed himself one breath of relief before sucking it all back in and carefully watching for people and a taxi.

 

He remained tense even as he found a cab, and gave the man a slip with the address on it, translated beforehand just in case. The man seemed to speak enough English, probably a skill he utilized greatly when taxiing from the airport, but seemed relieved by the translation, smiling and nodding vigorously.

 

It was good that Ash had asked for Eiji's Tokyo address long ago, during early planning for the trip. That was about where his luck ran out, though, because once he'd arrived and rung the buzzard labeled ‘Okumura’ outside the apartment building, there was no answer. Eiji must have still been on campus.

 

And, so, Ash had to wait on the steps outside the building, stuffing his duffle between himself and the railing and placing the guitar case at his feet, pressing himself closer to them when someone had to get into the building, and waiting, waiting, waiting...

 

Sometimes, people would talk to him when passing, giving him questioning looks. They'd start in Japanese, then, at his own confused expression, would switch to whatever semblance of English they knew, ranging from quite decent to shaky and stilted.

 

"Are you locked outside of the building?" one asked, and Ash explained he was waiting for someone. She'd pursed her lips, as if debating something, then shrugged. "Would you like to wait inside?"

 

Ash didn't know what _inside_ might even entail. Would there be somewhere decent to wait? Maybe a lobby or hallway? Outside Eiji's door? Anywhere sounded better than outside, exposed to the stares and unknown streets. Ash had not untensed since the airplane, and, even then, he had been surrounded by too much. Maybe the real truth was that he had not relaxed since last he'd seen Eiji, and would not until he saw him again.

 

So Ash had agreed and walked inside with the young lady. It must have been nice not on guard with every stranger you met. If a young woman was this trusting, he wondered how some cis straight guy around these parts might have been.

 

When she walked off, Ash was sure not to follow, taking the stairs up to Eiji's apartment number instead of the elevator. Standing in front of the unassuming door, blank and painted grey, Ash sighed again. Slumping next to it, he was back to the waiting game.

 

Or, he thought he was. That was when he heard shuffling from the other side of the hallway, and his hackles rose.

 

Spinning, Ash's hand automatically went to the back of his jeans, anxiety rising higher when it met with nothing. He had given up his Sam and Wesson, and he felt naked, but not as naked as he could have imagined when standing in front of the boy of his dreams again.

 

But he wasn't imagining it.

 

Eiji had frozen at the end of the hall, in a similar stare to how Ash was now, and he was sickeningly reminded of the last time they had seen each other, in a white stained corridor, fluorescent lights in their eyes and tear stains on their cheeks. Eiji wasn't clutching his stomach now, though; he didn't look breakable as he had in that hospital, just a wind blow away from collapsing, but too stubborn to stay still, to stay away from Ash.

 

He had always been too stubborn to stay away from Ash. Only, that time, Ash had rushed towards him. When Eiji had run, he had run back. He had made a decision that day–to see Eiji once more before it was too late. _Just in case,_ his brain kept telling him. _Just in case._

 

But, now, this hallway was dim. Eiji stood easily; his shoulders heavy, but his legs firm and steady. His eyes looked so much the same though. Shocked and hopeful and doubtful and fearful and desperate. It was, perhaps not the same mixture of emotions, but such a complicated cocktail that it made Ash's head spin.

 

"Eiji," Ash breathed, and he stepped forward. Whatever was there on Eiji's face fell away, but Ash couldn't even begin to describe what was underneath. As if on its own, his foot came forward a step, scrambling around his luggage with another step, and even closer in another. Ash Lynx had never been so graceless in his life, but Eiji seemed to see none of it, stars in his eyes and panic on his face.

 

"A-Ash?" he stuttered, hands coming up to wring at the strap of his bag. "What are you doing here?"

 

"I told you I would come," Ash said, voice smoother than he would have thought he was able with how fast his mind was racing, how little he could actually gleam from it. He forced his legs still, wanting to give Eiji the space he deserved. Eiji hadn't moved, still frozen, still clutching his bag and his chest, and eyes dodging around like, maybe, perhaps, he was dreaming. Ash almost felt the same, but the airplane had been all too real, and he thought culture shock was already seeping into his bones. "Sorry, I-I," Ash tried, adapting some of that Trainwreck his mind was going through. "... had to come."

 

At that, somehow, Eiji softened, and his hands slipped down the strap. "Of course you did." he smiled, shaking his head down at the carpet. "Ash Lynx."

 

Ash felt the hairs on the back of his neck jump at the name and, though he knew it was silly, looked around, cautious. "Maybe not here?" he asked, and Eiji jumped, his eyes going wide.

 

"Of course," he said, then strode forward. "Come on in."

 

And Ash did, following after Eiji as he unlocked the door and led them into the foyer, where there was a low rack with shoes and empty spots, hooks on the wall for bags and scarves and keys, and a long, skinny mirror for last minute adjustments before slipping out the door. Ash watched as Eiji took use of all of them, hanging his jacket and bag, slipping off his shoes, discreetly checking his appearance, then blushing when he caught Ash's eyes in the mirror. 

 

Ash couldn't look away. Eiji was there, in front of him. Healthy and whole and in the flesh. He hadn't even known until now, but half of him had been expecting to see Eiji still suffering from that bullet wound, like the day he'd been shot. As if time had stopped when they’d been apart and only now sped forward again. But it had been months, and Eiji showed no sign of discomfort in his side. It was marvelous.

 

"Take off your shoes," Eiji reminded him in a low tone, moving from the hallway into one of the connecting rooms, and Ash quickly did as he was told so he could follow after. A string attached them, and the further it stretched, the drier Ash's throat became, the clamier his palms. He was with Eiji again, and the only thing that would make him leave now was Eiji himself. Not his fear, not his doubts, but Eiji, if he so chose.

 

But Ash now knew Eiji wanted him there. His heart was in his throat, hoping nothing had changed in the few days since that call.

 

They walked into the next room, and Ash took in his surroundings, one part curious, three parts habit from scanning for danger all his life. There was a lot of open floor space, clean and comfortable-looking. In one corner, there was a cabinet space, and, in another, a plain plant. In the middle stood a low table, and the far wall was largely made up of window. The room was bright with natural light, and it felt calming in a way that spoke of Eiji. Eiji could make anyplace tranquil, with merely his presence.

 

But the space also sat largely devoid of something. Nothing material, as much as the open area may have suggested. It seemed to hold everything Eiji would have wanted, the simple creature he was. Maybe, a desk? Maybe, camera equipment? Maybe…

 

No, nothing material. It was something about it, the atmosphere and the blinds on the windows and the way Eiji walked about, eyes lingering and distant all at once. It was something so subtle, yet so profound, and Ash was beginning to feel frustrated by not understanding it.

 

“I am sorry I used that name,” Eiji said, turning around to look at Ash, close to the window, and too far away. “I was just surprised.”

 

Ash shook his head. “It’s fine,” he reassured, still standing close to the entrance, unsure himself as of what he should do. Oh, how things had changed. How Ash had once been cool and confident, sure of even the rockiest of outcomes. But this wasn’t Ash Lynx. He didn’t have a gun, or a word to his name. He wasn’t the respected or feared leader. Many of the skills he had picked up throughout his life would do him no good in a life in Japan. “Let’s just try to not use it anymore. Kinda dangerous,” he said, shrugging and trying to put up his age-old front again. He had no doubt Eiji would see through it, but it made Ash feel more secure anyway.

 

At his words, Eiji simply nodded and a silence passed between them once more, manifesting in the room like another being, there to taunt them. Silences with Eiji had never been particularly awkward before. Ash didn’t like it now.

 

“Did you just get back from class?” Ash asked, offering some semblance of normalcy, only to fall very far from the mark. There was too much tension in the air, and he had put too much effort into the question. Before, their interactions had been in large part effortless, like they could fall together and everything would be okay, even when it was far from it. Ash’s words only seemed to thicken the air around them.

 

Eiji nodded, trying to play along. Maybe, if they played long enough, it would become normal again. They could fall into something that worked, fall into a past that was pleasant in their own bubble of reality. But Ash didn’t want to fall into the past, nor did he want to create something new out of whatever stilted reality this was. He just wanted Eiji. He wanted to be Ash and Eiji again, something that just… worked.

 

“Yes,” Eiji replied. He looked like he was going to say something else, maybe to fill the silence, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Everything felt so forced between them.

 

Ash’s mind raced, trying to come up with something that would set things right again, to put them both at ease, and to get a genuine smile from Eiji. Or even just some real words- words that didn’t sound like they were meant for a stranger. Ash shifted, thinking through a catalog of conversation points, but they all sounded like pleasantries and surface comments. Nothing worked, so he picked one at random and opened his mouth-

 

Only for Eiji to beat him to it. “Why are you here?” he asked, sounding confused, but ultimately like he had given up on something. Ash glanced up, and Eiji looked… tired. His posture and his face and his eyes, they all looked slumped and wary and guarded. Guarded against _Ash_.

 

“I had to,” Ash said, a repeat of his earlier statement, because it was the truest words he could muster, and something in Eiji’s eyes seemed to recognize this. The air between them relaxed a fraction, though Eiji still looked far from appeased.

 

“You said that,” he said, sounding amused. He crossed his arms over his chest, not like he was angry, but like he was hugging himself, creating an extra layer of protection, and Ash hated how that made him feel. Because Eiji wasn’t supposed to be afraid of him. The whole world could, but Eiji had said he wouldn’t, that he wanted to protect him and remain by his side. But Ash was also smart enough to recognize this wasn’t the same sort of fear he was used to eliciting in the people around him.

 

“It’s the truth,” Ash replied. Eiji pursed his lips.

 

“But it shouldn’t be.”

 

“I can make my own decisions, Eiji,” Ash said.

 

“ _Is_ this your own decision, though?” Eiji asked. “Did you not even hear what I said to you over the phone?”

 

“I heard you loud and clear. Trust me,” Ash said, and he took a step forward. He couldn’t be afraid of the truth any longer. He couldn’t lie to himself, or to Eiji. “I think I’ve finally heard.”

 

Eiji looked at him questioningly. “What do you mean?” he huffed, frustration building. “If you heard me, you wouldn’t be here right now, you _silly_ American.”

 

“I’m here because I want to be here,” Ash said, feeling his emotions bounce off Eiji’s, compounding with the growing tension. “Because the whole point of finally hearing you proved that you wanted me here as much as I wanted it too! We both want me here, so why should I stay away?”

 

“Because- Because everything, Ash!" Eiji cried, stomping forward. He stopped not far from Ash, looking up into his eyes. "You don't understand- you still do not understand!"

 

"What don't I understand then, huh?" Ash demanded, getting fed up. To him, it felt like Eiji was the one who didn't understand. Ash _wanted_ this. He had learned so much to arrive right here, right now, and now Eiji was telling him he didn't get it? "What more could there be? I finally understand why I was having doubts and why you were having doubts- The only thing I think I still don't get is _you_!"

 

Eiji nodded, and the boiling in Ash’s chest only increased. "That is right! You do not understand me-" his voice broke off, and, suddenly, leveled. His eyes focused somewhere behind Ash, and he breathed his next words like they were tearing him up inside, like it burned of confession to get them out. "You do not understand how selfish I have been asking you to come here."

 

Ash stopped, forcing the adrenaline in his blood to stay away from his words and his mouth. There was a stiff pause between the two, Ash refusing to move until he had cleared his mind. He brought a hand up, rubbing at the space between his eyebrows.

 

"Then," Ash said, and the tension in his chest released. He could feel a mix of anxiety still within him, heightening his senses, begging to move away because, in this strange case of fight or flight, his whole being rebelled against the thought of ever fighting Eiji. "Tell me." Ash looked into Eiji's eyes, deep and sorrowful and so so brown. "Tell me what I don't know, Eiji."

 

At that, Eiji searched his eyes, then took a step back, causing a knot of worry to well up in Ash's throat. He swallowed it down.

 

"You deserve to know," Eiji said, as if reassuring himself, and Ash's worry only grew. "Though I do not think you would want to know."

 

"Eiji," Ash went to protest, voice coming out less in warning, more pleading. Eiji's head snapped back in his direction, and he seemed to come back into himself. Ash watched the transformation take place before his eyes, back straightening, shoulders squaring, jaw setting. Like watching a soldier go to battle, but Eiji had never been a soldier, and Ash had seen too many, had seen it in himself. It was almost lacking, in some ways, but almost too similar in others, making Ash's stomach turn. This whole conversation had been too much for everything inside him, and it was getting harder and harder to dismiss the roiling in his gut.

 

Eiji shook his head at the protest, and a smile formed on his face, some imperfect mockery of what is should have been. Still, it was eerily close, and his stomach twisted further, further-

 

"I will tell you. Like I said, you deserve to know." Eiji turned, looking down at the low table, then to the cabinet across the room. He shuffled over, pulling out a few beaten pillows and throwing them Ash's way, which he caught automatically. Eiji smiled again, more real this time, a bit teasing. "Place those at the table to sit on. I will get us tea."

 

So Ash did what he was told, placing each cushion on either side and claiming one for himself, where he could watch Eiji prepare hot water from the electric kettle, which also stood in the cabinet. By the time Eiji had finally returned, a tray in hand with kettle, cups, and a package of those weird bean paste treats Ash had once tried, Ash had calmed a bit.

 

Ash had never had to worry about how calm or high-strung he was in the presence of others. Whatever he may have been feeling, on the outside it was always the same. He had learned to wear a mask, after a time, and learned to control his emotions under Blanca's guidance. The less he showed, the more control of the situation he had.

 

But that had all changed when Eiji had become involved. _Everything_ had changed when Eiji had become involved. And, with this, it was like Ash was learning himself, his emotions and actions, all over again.

 

When Eiji sat across from him, he took a deep breath in, looking for all the world reluctant, but determined. "You do not need a gun to live here," he started, jumping straight into it, as if afraid he would go back with any more time. Ash had heard these words before. At first, it had felt like a fairy tale, then a blessing, that Eiji could live in a place like that. Not until recently had it started to become a reality- that this place could be his too. So Ash simply nodded.

 

"But it may not be…" Eiji reached for the cups, setting them on the table as he thought for a moment. "Easier?" Eiji frowned. Perhaps not how he had meant to phrase that. 

 

Eiji shook his head, starting over. Ash waited. "I asked you to come here because I was afraid," he admitted, pouring their tea. He ran a nervous thumb over the kettle's handle before setting it down, pulling his tea closer to rub at the cup instead. "I was afraid of coming back, of leaving you. Coming home was inevitable, but I thought I could at least hold onto you. I know I should not count on anyone else for my happiness, but you had brought light into my life again, and I was afraid to lose it."

 

" _I_ brought light into your life?" Ash asked, slipping in softly, but almost unbelievingly. Eiji chuckled, sipping his tea.

 

"Is it so hard to believe?" Eiji put his cup down, smiling softly at it, like the memory of that light was swimming there in the drink. "You are the most wonderful person I have ever met."

 

"Being with you is the happiest I have been, not just in a long time, but in my whole life. There are things in Izumo and memories I would never replace, but none of them could ever measure up to what I have with you," Eiji said, and Ash felt his chest inflate like a balloon, ready to pop and shatter the illusion Eiji was painting. “When I am with you, I feel like a person again. Around you, I want to always be happy, even when I do not feel it. That is why I wish I never had to tell you any of this. Because, while I am with you I am a different Eiji. Does that make sense?”

 

Ash nodded. He thought he understood. Around Eiji, Ash felt like a different Ash, someone who may be worthy, someone who could be forgiven. 

 

“But I am not always that Eiji,” he continued. “I want to protect you, but I cannot help myself. I have been leaning on you far more than I realized.” Eiji shook his head, frowning down at the table. “You cannot save me. That is up to me. I know this. I am just sorry you have to see this Eiji, the weak one. The one who cannot smile and who gives up on everything he does.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Ash said, sounding wounded, shocked. “Eiji, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

 

But Eiji simply shook his head.

 

"When I injured myself vaulting,” he said, taking in a steadying breath, “It should not have been the end of my career. The injury was treated excellently, and I took care of myself during the healing process; I was very careful. It healed, and I should have been able to jump as usual."

 

Ash could hear a 'but' coming along.

 

"But," Eiji said, and Ash gained no satisfaction from being right. "I thought too hard about the whole thing while I was on crutches. Before, it had been hard enough to keep up in competition. I had my teachers and coaches and friends and family all counting on me to do better, try harder. I had a scholarship to a good school, which was very important to my family because we did not have a lot of money. Pole vaulting was the ticket to my future, so, when I injured myself, I thought it would be impossible to catch back up. It shouldn't have been hard, but, in my head, it became too much."

 

"I gave up on jumping after that. Because I was _scared_ ,” Eiji said, and he sounded angry and frustrated. “I let everything crumble beneath me then. I gave up on jumping, and I saw no future ahead of me. I dug myself into that hole, yet I didn’t even realize until it was too late how deep it went.”

 

“Even so, I do not think I could change it if I went back. Because I am still scared, and I can still feel that pull, of sinking down into that hole again.”

 

“I wish I could be that different Eiji I am with you all of the time. The one where I can help you, and smile when you need reminding that the world isn’t so horrible. But I can’t, and I am not for you to fix. I will not be your burden. Now that you can get away from all the horrible things of your past, I want you to find somewhere you can be truly happy.”

 

“You don’t think I can be truly happy here?” Ash asked, and his voice was level. Even he was unsure what he felt at that moment.

 

Eiji bit at his lip, but didn’t say anything.

 

“Eiji, I never thought I would get a happy ending,” Ash said, and there was only honesty here, rushing out like a waterfall, bubbling over into the stream. “My life has been one shitty moment after another. I never caught a break.”

 

“Ash, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-” Eiji tried to cut in, but Ash shook his head.

 

“Damn it, Eiji!” he said, frustrated, but not angry. Desperate to get through that thick skull of Eiji’s until he understood what Ash now understood, until they could figure out enough to be able to figure the rest out together. “I never caught a fucking break. Until _you_.”

 

For a moment, he let that word hang in the air, watched as Eiji absorbed it, his brows furrowing, jumping, furrowing again. He opened his mouth, then closed it. Ash breathed, calming his voice.

 

“I didn’t see a future until I met you, Eiji,” he said, and the apartment felt eerily silent, like even the walls were listening to Ash pour his heart out. “You seem to forget that you brought light into my life too.”

 

“We’re both so scared that all we’ll do is drag the other down, that there really is no light out there for us unless we steal it away from someone else. But we aren’t stealing that light. I’m not taking anything from you that you don’t want to give, am I?”

 

Eiji shook his head, eyes still wide. A large part of Ash breathed in relief, though he had mostly come to expect that answer.

 

“And you aren’t taking anything from me that I don’t want to give. Who fucking cares if we’re each others’ ‘salvations’? Fuck Blanca. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We aren’t damsels in fucking distress waiting for a knight. Sure, you can save yourself, but why shouldn’t you lean on someone else, Eiji?”

 

“Ash, I think you have lost me,” Eiji said, and Ash seemed to return to himself. He sealed his lips against any further talk about Blanca and the conversation Eiji didn’t really know anything about. None of that would help.

 

“You’re human, Eiji. That means you hurt, and that you need help sometimes,” Ash said. “And it kind of sucks only just noticing it now for myself. But I feel better knowing now. You say a perfect place doesn’t exist, but a perfect person doesn’t either. You can’t always be happy; you can’t always be the one fixing things between us. I _do_ want to know, Eiji, because I want to help. We’re going to help each other. And that’s how we’re going to get our happy ending.”

 

“I keep telling myself that _maybe_ I deserve a happy ending,” Ash admitted, looking straight into Eiji’s eyes, trying, trying to get whatever this was across to him. “And this is where I choose that happy ending to be.”

 

At this, tears sprung into Eiji’s eyes, and Ash had to do a double-take, then panicked for a second. He had only faced a crying Eiji once in his life, and he would prefer never to think of that hospital hall ever again.

 

Slowly, Ash shuffled around the table, coming to face Eiji on the other side, where he was trying to wipe away the tears.

 

“Sorry,” Eiji whispered, and he said it again, and again, wiping futily at his face. Ash laid his hands over the other’s, causing Eiji to stop and look at him.

 

“You aren’t a burden for needing help sometimes,” Ash said, holding Eiji’s gaze for as long as the other allowed.

 

“I want you to have that happy ending,” Eiji whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

 

“Then let’s make it happen,” Ash said.

 

Eiji looked up into his eyes. Ash smirked back, radiating that old confidence. Fake it ‘till you make it. Eiji snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

“Saying things is far different than making them come true,” Eiji said, and it was good to hear him come back to himself, despite the sniffles that still punctuated his words.

 

“You’re right,” Ash said. “It’ll take both of us to make it come true.”

 

Eiji paused, taking a long look at him. “You are so different now. You have hope.”

 

“Yeah, and all it took was a near death experience,” Ash said, and Eiji smacked lightly at him before burying his head in his chest. Ash lifted his arms around him.

 

“Then I will try to have hope to,” Eiji said. “And, when I cannot have hope for myself…. I will turn to you.”

 

That was when something settled in Ash then. Like those has been the magic words, and he could sit comfortably with Eiji by his side again. Eiji was right; Ash had hope, whenever _that_ had happened, but he couldn’t hold onto that hope by himself forever. That hope, after all, would never have happened without Eiji to remind him of a world outside his own- or what had once been his own.

 

Ash could maybe forgive himself, but maybe it would take a bit of time and a lot of hope. Maybe he could come to understand and accept his past did not define him, and that the future could be bright. Maybe Ash could stop scanning crowds for danger and stop crying in the middle of the night from dreams of Griffin, of Shorter, of Skip- or of sweaty hands and an irreplaceable fear that would not leave him for years to come.

 

Maybe he would learn all there was about Eiji that the other held back. Maybe Ash could see the good and the bad, and show Eiji he loved him through it all. Maybe, when they woke up in the middle of the night they could be right there to soothe the terrors away.

 

Maybe they could lean on each other, and get through it.

 

Ash let out a small sigh, tightening his grip around Eiji. 

 

“We can make this work together.”

 

-/-

 

**_You be good, and don't you miss me_ **

_Two more years and you'll be done with school_

_And I'll be makin' history like I do_

_You know it's all because of you_

_We can do whatever we want to_

 

Ash still hated getting up early. But today was a special day, so being in the kitchen just as the sun rose past the trees, streaming gently into the window and staining the tiled floor, was well worth it.

 

It was quiet this early in the morning. Over the years, Ash had learned that the world could be like that, but, even in the quiet of his new life, there was nothing like the hush that seemed to fall over the earth at the break of dawn. It used to be ironic to him, how serene his namesake was when his world was so violent and loud. He still found it rather ironic, but, standing in that kitchen, sleepily brewing coffee and trying not to make too much noise, lest he ruin the surprise, Ash contemplated it for the first time in a long while.

 

Aslan. Dawn. Quiet and peaceful and beautiful. He had found something quiet within him these past two years, something peaceful, something beautiful. Forgiveness and love and warmth. Perhaps, these days, he was more alike the dawn than he thought.

 

Ash turned away from the window and mixed sugar into his coffee, knowing he was about to break any sort of peace of mind he had collected for the morning. He went to the fridge and started rooting around for ingredients.

 

He had learned to cook natto awhile ago. As much as he hated the stuff, Eiji loved it, and Ash always wanted to make Eiji happy. It was well worth it, even reeking of the smelly stuff after the preparation, to see Eiji light up like that, and throw his arms around Ash, and kiss him sweet. There was nothing he hated more than he loved Eiji, and, so, any sacrifice was one he was willing to make.

 

Once upon a time, that may have led to a morbid tale. Once upon a time, sacrificing everything for that love may have been his utter downfall.

 

This was a different time, and Ash was content with that.

 

Pulling out of the fridge, Ash laid things out on the counter, glancing down at the floor when something soft rubbed at his leg. It was a surprise, but it didn’t make him jump- didn’t even raise a single flag in Ash’s head. He had come a long way.

 

“Shin’ya, watch where you’re going,” he scolded the cat lightly, but she just looked up with those wide green eyes, blinking as if Ash was the one in the way. Ash sighed and stepped around.

 

“She wants to be fed,” a voice came from behind him and Ash turned around, a frown already on his face.

 

“You’re up early,” he complained, and Eiji looked at him with one eyebrow up, amused.

 

“I think that is my line,” he said, crouching down to scoop up the cat. “It is much too early for you _or_ Shin to be up.” Then, his eyes ran across the counter, putting the pieces together easily as Ash had laid them out for him. Ash barely suppressed a groan. “Are you making natto?”

 

“Yes,” Ash said, frowning. “And it was _supposed_ to be a surprise. Why aren’t you sleeping in? You don’t have class today.”

 

“You weren’t in bed,” Eiji said, shrugging and coming forward. “Besides, there is too much to do today, even without class.”  
  
“This morning there isn’t,” Ash pointed out, trying to shoo him away from the counter, but Eiji was stubborn. Always stubborn.

 

“Which means I can help you!” Eiji cheered, a twinkle in his eye, but Ash shook his head.

 

“Nooo,” he said. “You won’t. _I’m_ making breakfast.”

 

At this, Eiji pouted. “Oh, come on, Ash. Let me help.”

 

Before Ash could argue again, though, another bound of fur trotted into the kitchen, going straight to Eiji and, effectively, distracting him.

 

“Here, Buddy needs to go out,” Ash said, snagging the opportunity. “You can take him out and I can make breakfast. Then, you _will_ be surprised that it is natto when you come back, and I can make a bowl of cereal so I don’t have to suffer the taste.”

 

“Natto is delicious,” Eiji said, sticking his nose up in the air. “And why do you get to make the decisions when it is _my_ day?”

 

“Sometimes, that’s just the way things go,” Ash shrugged, and Eiji wrinkled his nose at him, already walking to the wall where they kept the leash.

 

“I go through a four-year program in two years, and I am not even allowed to cook breakfast with my boyfriend. What use is school?” Eiji proclaimed, and Ash sniggered.

 

“Told you it’s a scam.”

 

“Yes, but I will finally get the receipt for that scam today,” Eiji said, walking closer with a teasing smirk. “And that is worth celebrating.”

 

“It is, isn’t it?” Ash asked, and they were so close now that they were breathing the same air. Eiji reached up to tangle his hand in Ash’s hair, gently pulling him down until their lips locked. Ash sighed into it, and felt his whole body relax. Then, the whine of Buddy brought them back to themselves and they separated.

 

“I will be right back. And, whatever it is you are doing here…” Eiji said, trailing on with faux innocence, “I am sure it will be _very_ surprising.”

 

“You said Sing is going to be there?” Ash asked as Eiji hooked the leash to Buddy’s collar, the golden retriever prancing back and forth as it waited by the door. Eiji looked up and nodded.

 

“And Ibe and Max and Jessica and Michael too,” he said.

 

“You’ve got a whole squad, don’t you?” Ash asked, watching Eiji open the door. Mounted to the front, the box said Callenreese-Okumura. It had taken a while to agree on the order, but they had decided on alphabetical. It sorta didn’t make sense, but they had stopped trying to make sense of their relationship a long time ago.

 

“I wouldn’t even know most of them without you,” Eiji said. “Be back in ten.” 

 

“Love you,” Ash said, and he marveled at the ease in which it had come out. One day, he had decided to tell Eiji that on an airplane to Japan. It had taken months after moving to Japan to actually come out and say it. 

 

It was worth it every time to see Eiji’s eyes go soft, to hear him say it back. “Love you.”

 

Then Eiji slipped out and Ash resigned himself to cooking breakfast, then setting the table. As time ticked on, something simmered in his blood, that age-old anxiety, but Ash had gotten a lot better at controlling it. Maybe it would never go away, but, these days, things were a hell of a lot better.

 

At times like this, Ash fetched Shorter’s old guitar and played, and, when Eiji finally returned, he found Ash sitting at the kitchen table strumming it.

 

When Ash spotted him, he glanced from the strings and smiled, singing a low melody that was fragmented and adoring.

 

_“Hey there, Eiji, here’s to you. This one’s for you…”_

 

And Eiji smiled back, placing a small kiss on his cheek as Ash continued to strum, humming along with some made-up song in his head.

 

Ash still hoped he deserved a happy ending…

 

Because, what he had here, it was pretty much it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! This was so fun to write. Thank you so much to Irene for sharing the gorgeous artwork I was able to write this all for!!!  
> [Remember to check out that art](https://twitter.com/eneriables/status/1147181693842968576) [if you haven't yet! ](https://eneriables.tumblr.com/post/186073814184/more-for-banana-fish-reverse-big-bang-link-will)
> 
> Irene's: [Twitter](https://twitter.com/eneriables) | [Tumblr](https://eneriables.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Code's: [Tumblr](https://codevassie.tumblr.com/) | [Requests](https://codevassie.tumblr.com/requests) | [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsQ0Ho4hiaokf6RzlarLHdLOYnuJVKfaD)


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